But How Else Could They Tell?

"Chad, I'm not trying to discount what you say about gaydar.  I'm just saying there may be some other... contributing factors to why you've been getting so many interested glances today."

Dead, Alive, or Undead?

Here's another of those mysterious plus-mark-eyed clowns:

I suppose this is a pot holder / hot pad... because it has a ring for hanging and is photographed next to a jug or kettle... But it looks more like a dishrag-- and one that has seen its share of use.

...Yuck.  A clown-shaped scrappy-looking thing like that could turn someone away from crochet for life.

Send in the Clowns

Oh, look! 
It's a whole posse of insane dead clowns!

Aren't they so adorable, with their little green bow-ties, and their red pom pom noses, and their poofy blue... whatever those things are?

Maybe they aren't really dead, though.  It X's for eyes mean a cartoon is dead, what do plus marks mean...?

Doily Shirt-- for MEN

For the hippy-dude in your life... Doily Shirt-- for MEN.

Handle with Care

I look at this photo and think, "Ach!  No!  Stop!  You're stretch it out!!!  Someone worked very hard crocheting that top, young lady, and if you can't treat it with the respect it deserves, you won't be allowed to wear it again.  I'll take it right off you, give it to some other little girl who will take good care of it, and then you'll just have to wear one of your old, stained t-shirts.  Is that what you want?  Well, is it?"

I mean, I get it, Miss Model.  You don't like the shirt, but is that any excuse for stretching it all out of shape?  How unprofessional!

Doily Fashion

Ooh, boy, you're in for a treat today!
We have a doily shirt!!!
...With Irish crochet roses!!!
...And someone who was willing to model it with her bra showing underneath, clear as day...

There is also a model in what appears to be a doily-based slip and/or nighty... only she's modeling it in a pair of red high heels and in full jewelry... So maybe we are meant to understand that this is what she's wearing as she prepares to leave the house... But that's impossible, so I refuse to believe it.  No, she's just all dressed up for the boudoir.  Yep.  That must be it. 

Thank You for Being a Friend

 
It was at times like this, when she found herself kneeling on the floor in the beautifully diffused light emanating from the paper screens, that Etta most fully recognized the worth of a friend like Jess.  Anyone else would've asked what in the heck they were supposed to be doing, there on the floor-- why she was posed so dramatically, with her hand on her hip and the tips of her pointy, pointy boots touching the floor.  But not Jess.  She understood.

Wear Something... On Top?

Today's photo illustrates how, if you simply must wear holey fabric but can't bring yourself to wear something (or much of something) underneath, you can still give a nod to decency with a little strategically placed fringe:

(I'm not sure why the fringe starts higher on one side of the shirt than the other, though... Ran out of yarn, maybe?)

The Adventurous Knitwear Model

Most of the time, when you're looking through knitting and crochet patterns, you get the typical fare of women standing in various poses... occasionally sitting.  If the photographer or art director was really bold, there may be some unusual props or backgrounds, but for the most part, it's a little bit bland.

...And then you get a photo like this:

"Though sweater-knitting comes in at a close second, there is no pastime Arabella enjoys quite so much as falconry." 

She's something of an every(wo)man for your average knitter, isn't she?

Not-So-Concealed Carry

These days, women need to be able to protect themselves.  There are some real sickos out there, you know.  No wonder, then, that many women obtain a permit to carry a concealed weapon. 

Most of the time, you can keep that pistol (or what have you) stashed in your bag or wear it under your clothes.  However, what's a girl to do when she's headed to the beach?  There's nowhere to stow her gun in a typical swimsuit, but she doesn't want to sacrifice her sense of style for safety...

It used to be a real problem-- but no more!  Not with the crocheted bikini holster!  Your firearm will stay nestled close against your midriff, always within easy reach!

And it's so becoming, too!

"Go ahead.  Make my day."

(So you don't think it really looks that much like a holster, huh?  Well, what is the purpose of that strange flap, then, smartypants?  Huh? Huh?)

Crochet Border Sampler Poncho

Parenting Lesson of the Day:  Immobile children make fewer messes around the house.

I can see what happened here:  Mom or Grandma got a new book full of cool crocheted border patterns and was looking for an excuse-- any excuse-- to try out a few of her favorites. 

Kicking the Habit

Here's another for the "wow, you really do have too much time on your hands, don't you?" file:

Look!  They're crocheted cozies for your "Quit Smoking" or "No Swearing" penalty jars!  Aren't they just the cutest?! 

Ok, ok.  These things probably work up in no time at all... and I guess they are kind of funny.  If I had someone to give one to, I might be tempted to try the pattern, though some might look upon it as an odd gift.  ("Here, honey, this is to help you stop swearing so I can finally introduce you to my parents.  Oh, and while you're at it, stop smoking, too.")

Mi Casa Es Su Casa

"Yeah, I know Becky and Stu said they were more than happy to have us stay at their place as long as we're in the area... but I just can't shake this feeling that we've overstayed our welcome..."

 - - - - - - -

Nothing says "make yourself at home" like a chain and padlock on the fridge, even if it's only made of yarn.
 
The website that offers this (free) crochet pattern describes it as a "whimsical padlock and chain to decorate your fridge".  Because your fridge needs to be decorated, and magnets, calendars, and children's artwork just isn't enough decoration, darnit!

Just Grimace & Bear It

Today's YarnYuck was inspired by that lovable (???), purple McDonald's character, Grimace:

Go on; admit it.  You've always wanted to look a little more like him... her... it.  Haven't you?

Bell-Bottoming Out

Sometimes, knit and crochet come together in one pattern-- harmonizing beautifully-- complementing one another perfectly...

This is not one of those times:

...Is it just me, or do those ruffles look like they belong on a Latin American calypso costume?

YarnYuck Mathematics

A nasty case of bedhead + bulky wrap with pompoms (nearly) the size of a baby's head = ...well, this:

Multiply by number of pompoms, then divide by the average model's innate chutzpah to calculate her level of humiliation.

Erm...

This model's expression says, "Did I leave the iron on?"

Mesh Dress

Well, sure she looks a little annoyed.  Wouldn't you, wearing that?

Quack Quack

These crochet slippers are great... if you want your feet to look like those of a cartoon duck. 

Order in the Court!

Yesterday afternoon, a jury of her peers found ___________________ guilty of both charges brought against her-- namely, conspiracy to make a mesh top and first degree shorts-crocheting.  The crochet shorts conviction carries a mandatory sentence of ten years yarn probation, during which time the convicted must submit to frequent and unannounced screening of her crochet workbasket and Ravelry queue.  If she is found to be crocheting or even contemplating the crocheting of bottom-wear of any kind, her hooks and yarn stash will be confiscated and her projects immediately frogged.

A member of the jury, who wished to remain anonymous, said that she is thankful the trial is finally over.  "You go through your life trying not to think about such things.  I mean, you know they exist, somewhere out there, but you don't expect your life will ever be touched by them.  It's just so difficult to comprehend.  I've been having trouble sleeping-- nightmares-- since the testimony began.  I just hope that now I can put this all behind me and try to forget those awful images."

Fashion No-No Italiano

(Because it came from an Italian magazine, I think...)

This was probably ground-breaking haute couture.  I can tell by the way that there's no way on the good earth I would ever be caught dead in it (in this exact configuration, at least).

Briefs on top of red leggings?  Cool!

Size Isn't Everything...

Uh, it doesn't quite cover the whole bed, dearie...

...not that you can be expected to notice that, considering that your eyes are fixed on something on the other side of the room.

(Maybe she's in denial.)

Lacy Crochet Jumpsuits

(And there's a ruffly, bell-bottomed two-piece set, as well!  BONUS!)

You can tell these things are fun fun fun by the way the model is holding her twin ponytails out and bending in odd ways.  (See?) 

Meanwhile, I have got to get a pair of those lacy pants with the slits up the fronts of the legs. 

Bizarre

Not for the faint of heart.

Bulky Openwork Poncho

Maybe for some, but not for me:

No, not even if it does have little balls on the ends of the fringe. 

Cornucopia

Just in case you thought crocheted and knitted food was purely a recent phenomenon:

Nope.  They've been floating around out there since at least 1981. 

Brood Fail

"Hey, you think it's so easy?  I'd like to see you try to look all deep and broody in this sweater and a pair of orange slacks.  Even with a prop pipe, it's an uphill battle."

Hideous

It's not often I go so far as to call something hideous (on this blog, at least), but for this monstrosity, I'll make an exception:

Ick-ick-ick!

And to think that someone went to the trouble of designing that thing!  It boggles the mind.

In 3-D!!!

What could be better than a meshy doily-dress covered in daisies...?

Why, a meshy doily-dress covered in 3-D daisies, of course!!

...Another of those "where would you ever wear something like this?" items...

Don't Tread On Me

It's probably just me, but the pattern on this scarf and hat remind me of tire treads... with the result that it feels like this poor lady has tire tracks running up her body and over the top of her head...

Or, if you're part of the 99.9% of the population who looks at the photo and thinks, "Tire treads?  I don't see it...", then how about this?:

Wow.  Look at all that fringe on the sides of her scarf.  And the hat, with the fringe on just the sides.  It looks weird.  Also: Why are there holes in scarf?  Doesn't that kind of... I don't know, defeat the purpose?  (Don't bring up the fact that many scarves are meant as fashion statements more than for warmth, please.)

Monstrous

What little'un wouldn't want to wear Crocheted Monster Overalls?

Aw, poor monster.  He looks sad...
(Y'all, maybe we shouldn't call him a monster any more.  I think we may have hurt his feelings...)

*CRAZY*

Hey, don't blame me!  It says so right there in the lower lefthand corner:

...But yeah, now that they point it out, it does look kinda crazy... Mesh with diagonal stripes of fuzzy novelty yarn... and that hat!

In Your Easter Bonnet

Who knew that a crocheted doily and a bouquet of silk flowers plopped on top of your head could be so fetching?!

Beach Bum

On one hand, this model looks like the epitome of the beach bum...

...but on the other, maybe a beach bum is practically the only type of man who would wear this type of garment.

Creepy-Crawlers

I confess:  I like afghans.  I might even have liked this afghan, were it not for someone's poor judgment. 

Look, you either put a flower (???) in the center of every pineapple grouping or you put them in none at all.  What's with this haphazard placement of "flowers" across the bedspread?  Why are they scattered willy-nilly?  (Aw, did someone think they were being modern and artistic?  Dat's so adowable!)

Also, why, for the love of yarn, did they decide to make the "flowers" so dark (in contrast with the yellow background)?  At first glance, it looks like the bed has been colonized by tarantulas!

Excess

Two hair-related excesses to be avoided by models and fashion photographers at all costs:

Excessive "add-drama-to-the-photo-shoot fan":

Excessive hair tossing:

All Tied Up

Beyond the obvious kookiness of this outfit (the skirt in particular, obviously), my favorite thing about this layout is the way it shows just about every possible way you can wear it:

With "ribbons" in place, tied. 
With "ribbons" in place, not tied.
With "ribbons" out, wrapped around your waist like a belt.
With "ribbons" nowhere in sight. (Where ARE they? I must know!)
 
But who in her right mind would ever wear that thing with the "ribbons" out?

Oops, no, I meant to type, "Who in her right mind would ever wear that thing?"-- period.

High Drama

...and fashion no-nos:

...such as (in my humble opinion) high heels over socks over leggings... and those gloves with anything, ever.

This model looks so fierce, she scares me a little.  Who else thinks she's a spy who might whip a gun out of that clutch at any moment?

What a Scoop!

Looks like that's a very engrossing article!

(Also note the late-80s-ish/early-90s-ish sweater.  Thank you.)

Faceoff

I don't know what bothers me most...

The fringe along almost every edge of the scarf...
The hair made of fringe...
The fact that the model is doing her best to look like the face on her scarf (sunglasses, etc.)...
Or the fact that her scarf face is situated right at the crotch. 

Just count me as displeased on multiple levels, ok?

Plain Vanilla

It was Cheryl's secret wish that she would one day be entirely covered in cream and white.  She was just a ski mask away...

(Pretty pattern in that sweater-- but why all the white?  And those lace gloves feel out of place, don't you think?)

...But Not Quite

Almost mink:

Flower Power

If the average bikini doesn't do enough to focus attention on your bosom, just slap on a couple of daisy motifs to really draw the eye: