Send in the Clowns

Oh, look! 
It's a whole posse of insane dead clowns!

Aren't they so adorable, with their little green bow-ties, and their red pom pom noses, and their poofy blue... whatever those things are?

Maybe they aren't really dead, though.  It X's for eyes mean a cartoon is dead, what do plus marks mean...?

Size Isn't Everything...

Uh, it doesn't quite cover the whole bed, dearie...

...not that you can be expected to notice that, considering that your eyes are fixed on something on the other side of the room.

(Maybe she's in denial.)

Creepy-Crawlers

I confess:  I like afghans.  I might even have liked this afghan, were it not for someone's poor judgment. 

Look, you either put a flower (???) in the center of every pineapple grouping or you put them in none at all.  What's with this haphazard placement of "flowers" across the bedspread?  Why are they scattered willy-nilly?  (Aw, did someone think they were being modern and artistic?  Dat's so adowable!)

Also, why, for the love of yarn, did they decide to make the "flowers" so dark (in contrast with the yellow background)?  At first glance, it looks like the bed has been colonized by tarantulas!

In the Army Now

Looking around online, you can find a few afghans with a camouflage pattern (for soldiers, hunters, or anyone else who likes it, I guess) that actually do resemble camo.

And then there's this:

Dear designer:
Camouflage is not supposed to be a symmetrical, ink-blot-esque reflection.  Also, it looks nothing like this at all, except that it is green, black, and beige.

Cozy

House fire waiting to happen:

(It almost looks like it's already starting to burn.)

Granny on the Catwalk

(Continuing our granny square theme from earlier...)

If you're an aficionado of weird crochet, you've probably seen this before.  Still, it's always worth another look:

That granny square dress is what might've resulted if Scarlett O'Hara hadn't had humongous curtains from which to fashion a dress, but had been forced to forage for fabric on a typical 1970s suburban sofa. 

The strangest thing is that this isn't the only granny square dress to hit the runway and red carpet in recent years.  Well, at least an afghan dress is sure to be cozy...  (Or as Scarlett would've said, "As God is my witness, I'll never go chilly again!")

Baby-in-a-Bag

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's true!

Now you, too, can enjoy the comfort and convenience of Baby-in-a-Bag™! 

With traditional blankets, your baby could be rolling, scooting, or crawling all over the place.  (That's just not cool, Baby!)  But with Baby-in-a-Bag™, there'll be none of that nonsense! 

Seal your baby in crochet today!  Tucked tidily away in a soft and cozy crocheted bag (with built-in hoodie and satin trim!), your little one will never (be able to) cause you a moment's worry, ever again! 

Call in the next five minutes and we'll even throw in one of our patented Dog-in-a-Bag crocheted bags!

CALL NOW!

Afghan Envy

She sat in the wicker chair-- by a herculean effort refusing to shiver, despite bare legs-- and watched as her "friend" snuggled luxuriously beneath the afghan. . .

. . . The afghan, that marvel of yarn emblazoned with columns of colorful peacocks so realistic you could almost hear them calling through the still, oppressively warm twilight of some exotic, perfumed place. . .

Long had she coveted the handmade blanket.  Sheila deserved that afghan-- so much more than Margot ever would-- and it had been the subject of an unacknowledged coldness between them for years-- the bright, multicolored elephant in the room. 

Today, she kept a careful distance, choosing the chair on the far side of the room, the better to observe her enemy.  Today, she watched-- watched and plotted.  Tomorrow, she would act. . .

Crochet Your Way to a Romance

So I've been up since the middle of the night, thanks to some back pain, and I found myself in front of the computer, trying to take my mind off the discomfort.  What better time to browse some free crochet patterns, right?  (I've found so many things I'd like to try!  If I ever do them all, I'll be buried under a mountain of crochet-- swimming through an ocean of afghans, throws, scarves, wraps, and doilies.  That sounds kind of fun, actually. . .)

Anyway, after looking through a certain number of patterns from the same company, you start to recognize the models.  One in particular stood out to me this morning-- a blond, blue-eyed Ms. Crochet Model.  As I found her in pattern after pattern, a story began to emerge (with a little help from my sleep-deprived brain). . .

Ms. Crochet Model led a lonely life.
Sure, she could crochet a mean afghan. . .

. . . (better make that several afghans [of varying temperaments]). . .

. . . but how many afghans does one person really need, anyway?  (Don't answer that question.  I'm currently pretending that there is a limitless need for afghans.  Otherwise, I'll never get to use all the patterns I've just downloaded.)

Ms. Crochet  Model did her best to mask her loneliness.  However, sometimes she tried a little too hard. . .

"See how happy I am with my crochet throws?  See how I smile?  Constantly?  That's because I'm happy.  Just me and my crochet afghans, lapghans, and throws. . . La la la. . . So very, very, incredibly happy. . . Really."

She thought for a while that she could fill the gaping holes in her life with crochet-- and she made an admirable attempt at it-- but deep down inside, she knew there was something missing.  She knew that she needed someone to appreciate her crochet-- someone to sit and watch her crochet for hours at a time.

Fortunately, Ms. Crochet Model also knew that, contrary to some bizarre myths regarding their stomachs, the way to a man's heart is actually through crochet.

Crochet Snuggies, to be precise. . .

Poor fella.  He never had a chance.
Before he knew what hit him, she had ensnared him in her cuddly web of crochet.

(What do you imagine he's saying on the phone in the photo above?  Maybe something like this:  "Bro, you wouldn't believe this girl I met!  I mean, sure, she's blond, blue-eyed and model-attractive-- with a blinding smile-- but you haven't heard the best part yet!  She can crochet like nobody's business!  I-- Now, I don't want to get ahead of myself or anything, but. . . I think she might be The One. . .")


Now that she's snagged herself a man, Ms. Crochet Model's life is so much more fulfilling.  Her crochet has a purpose-- she has to keep Crochet Model Dude warm and cozy.

(See how happy they look together?)

"No-one makes an afghan like my lady makes an afghan!"
"That's right, baby." 

What?  You don't believe that you can crochet your way to romantic happiness?

I'm telling you, I've spent nearly the whole night looking at patterns, and I'm here to say that it totally works. 

(For those of you who want a more empowered "don't-need-a-man-to-be-fulfilled" female in your crochet model fantasies. . . Sorry, but you really shouldn't take silly blog entries so seriously.  ;o))

P.S. The patterns featured in the photos above are available for free from Coats & Clark.  And that's including the awesome crochet Snuggie. (g)

P.P.S.  Do my bleary eyes deceive me, or is the man in the last photo (on the right) the same as the one with Ms. Crochet Model??  Why, that dirty, two-timing double-crosser!  (Or something. . .)

NOTE:  As you may have gathered, the joke here wasn't the crocheted items themselves (well, except for that abomination, the crocheted snuggie), but rather the repetitive use of that same model (and the goofy posing of the happy couples.  I actually quite like some of those afghans.

(Now you know another of my dirty little secrets:  I not only like doilies, but afghans, too.  And yet I really am not an 89-year-old woman.  --Not that there's anything wrong with being an 89-year-old woman, of course.  . . . It's just that I'm not one. . .)