Perfectly Proportioned

This pom-pom is about 80-90% too big.  I mean, yeah.  It's only a hat for a doll.  But still, not even a doll wants to look ridiculous, right? 

Mi Casa Es Su Casa

"Yeah, I know Becky and Stu said they were more than happy to have us stay at their place as long as we're in the area... but I just can't shake this feeling that we've overstayed our welcome..."

 - - - - - - -

Nothing says "make yourself at home" like a chain and padlock on the fridge, even if it's only made of yarn.
 
The website that offers this (free) crochet pattern describes it as a "whimsical padlock and chain to decorate your fridge".  Because your fridge needs to be decorated, and magnets, calendars, and children's artwork just isn't enough decoration, darnit!

Crochet Puppet Pets

Crochet Puppet Pets?  Come on, moms and dads. You're not fooling anyone.  At least let the kids have a goldfish in a bowl.  

...Or, failing that, a crochet puppet pet without weird yellow things dangling from its nose. 

"It is a truth universally acknowledged..."

Though I don't recall Mr. Darcy (or whatever other Pride and Prejudice character this is meant to be) wearing crocheted trousers or coat, I'm willing to overlook such inconsistencies...

What I cannot pretend not to notice, however, is the misspelling of Jane Austen's name. 

The shame!

The Well-Dressed Barbie

Don't forget your Barbie dolls, this gift-giving season!

"This long floral skirt and bell-sleeved half-top evoke fond memories of the 1970s!":

"Fiesta Time!  Crochet fabulous doll outfits":

Puppy Power!

Gift Idea of the Day:  Crocheted Pound Puppies!

"Crochet Your very Own Baby Puppies... Plus Outfits to Wear"!

Is That Really Moi?

Another great gift idea:  A Generic Miss Piggy!  (In Crochet!)

Just look at those beautiful golden ringlets!

Stocking Stuffers

Looking for a darling little something to plop-- er, pop into a loved one's stocking?
Yeah, well, wish I could help you with that.

I've heard of crappy gifts, but this is ridiculous...

Now, don't go and spoil my fun by pointing out that they're probably supposed to be (earless, legless) hamsters, or something.  I'm perfectly happy believing they are t**d toys with wiggly eyes, teensy black noses, and hair-bows. 

No More Monkeying Around!

One of the hottest handmade toys this year is Mack the Angry Sock Monkey...

...and his hapless henchdog, Jack.  

Along with your little ones, they'll hatch all sorts of fun plots for world domination-- and the occasional bank heist.

But whatever you do, don't call Mack "Curious George"... You don't even want to know what he did to the last person who made that mistake...

Splish Splash

Gift Idea of the Day:  The Bubblegum-Pink Bathing Beauty!

Sure, she's a little bug-eyed, but to be fair, she does spend a lot of time hanging out with those frogs...

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

I know, I know.  It's perfectly natural.  It's part of the circle of life.  Some kids (not as many, these days) grow up on a farm and see the real thing happen before their very eyes.  Those who don't grow up on a farm have probably seen toys like Puppy Surprise (and Kitty Surprise, for cat people).

So of course we have someone who thinks, "Gee, why hasn't anyone made a stuffed crocheted pig with little amigurumi piglets what come out of a slit in her... um, tummy?  That'd be awesome!"

Surprise!  Surprise!  Piggy Surprise!  
How many piglets are there inside? 

(Two, apparently.  And honestly, I don't see how even that many fit in there... Poor Mother Piggy. --Gosh, you guys... I just thought of something.  You don't suppose this is Miss Piggy, do you?  ...Nah, I guess not.)

The best part may be this stuffed cow that is included in the same photo spread:

Mrs. Cow sits and stares at her own abdomen expectantly, patiently awaiting the day when her own young'uns will begin to pop out!

~Shiver~

"Chilly Winters & His Snowflakes"...

Chilly gives me the creeps. 

I suppose that shovel is for clearing paths of snow, but... he makes me think of an eerie gravedigger (and who's to say he doesn't also use it for the occasional decapitation?).

What the Hellbeast?!

You have to give some credit to the creator of this three-headed dragon in macramé...

I mean, at least s/he was trying to get away from the inevitable macramé owl...
But even so...
That credit only goes so far.

Pumpkin King

This...

...is what Jack Skellington (of Nightmare Before Christmas fame) looked like before he passed.  (I assure you, it's completely true.)

Ssssss

The macramé cobra-- just the thing to add a little interest to your home décor this season.  Makes an elegant centerpiece for the fall table (particularly when placed smack-dab in front of an unwelcome dinner guest).

If cobras are a little too exotic for your taste, maybe you'll be more partial to this knitted rattlesnake scarf-- an attention-grabbing accessory if ever there was one!

Bonus:  If you have disobedient children, plant the suggestion that Mr. Snaky doesn't like noisy kids (or nose-pickers, whiners, etc. as fits the occasion) and has been known to come to life and bite naughty boys and girls.  Provides hours of amusement!

Week of Clown Horror, Day 5

I have something really special for you, today-- something you won't find on just any old yarn-themed blog...

Straight from an old-timey carnival sideshow... or maybe a spooky, run-down traveling circus:  It's 75% clown, 25% monkey (of all things!)... and 100% shivery-shuddery creepy. (And ok, maybe like 15% cute, if they got rid of that nasty green loop-fringe hair... if you like monkeys.)

Week of Clown Horror, Day 4

KID!  Look out!!
Did you not read yesterday's Yarn Yuck entry?  (For shame.)

You've forgotten the cardinal rule of dealing with clown toys!  (Which is:) Never let them get their arms around your neck*.   ('Specially the ones wearing striped clothes...)  I tell you, they like nothing better than strangling innocent children!

Whatever you do, don't look into those huge, flat, lifeless eyes...
If you do, you'll never be the same again!

*See Poltergeist for further information on this subject.

Week of Clown Horror, Day 3

The pox-ridden sunshine looks frightened...  So does the... (what is that thing?)... er, the blue disc with legs...

What could have them so wide-eyed with fear?

Eeeek!
It's a freakishly long-legged, long-armed clown!!
(Yes, I know.  A clown.  On Day 3 of our Week of Clown Horror.  Who would've thunk it, right?)

Ever since I saw parts of Poltergeist as a child, I've associated long-armed clowns with horror-- as is only logical, even if you haven't seen Poltergeist.  Well, really, what else are those long arms (and/or legs) for, if not strangling? 

(The red-haired sun and... Little Miss Blue-Dot probably have nothing to fear, though, as neither of them have a neck to strangle.)

Week of Clown Horror, Day 2

Maybe it's a bit of a stretch, but this cartoonish character looks clownish to me...

And furthermore, the girl in the photo doesn't look very happy to be there with it:

As if it's not bad enough they make her wear a sweater with the clown-troll character, she's also forced to hold a doll of the clown-troll character.  (The loopy red yarn hair!  The hideous poof-nose!  The buck teeth!)

...You poor little thing.  Come with us.  We'll take you away from this place, somewhere where you'll never, ever have to pretend to like clown-troll cartoon characters-- ever again!

Gnome

A couple of days ago we had PIXIE; today there's Gnome:

Gnome is disturbing on a couple of levels. 

First, there's the obvious horror of Gnome's face.  I mean, what is that thing?  My best guess:  a bit of sheer stocking stuffed and stitched into shape... with a couple of what look like wiggly eyes glued on (with the greatest of skill).  However it's made, it is awful. 

Second, this is something a person is supposed to want to make?  Really?  It looks like someone took a shaggy mop, the aforesaid stocking-face o' horror, and a length of black string... and did their best to make a toy out of it.  (I am assuming this is meant to be a toy. If you know better, by all means, spread the word in the comment section!)  I suppose that since children in the Olden Times were happy enough playing with corncob dolls, this could pass as a toy-- in a pinch-- but can't we do better, with all the crafting resources available these days?  (And couldn't they have done better in the 70s or 80s-- whenever this thing was published?)  Come on, crafters, let's put a little more effort into it, shall we?