EPIC Bad Hair Day

In the world of knitwear modeling, there are bad hair days. . .

("Oops.  Forgot to comb my hair this morning.  Or. . . take my hair out of the ponytail after going to the gym. . . a week ago.")

And then there are EPIC bad hair days. . .

("I am currently battling a bad-hair demon.  My priest assures me we can have the problem cleared up within a few weeks.")

Eek. 
That is some bad, bad hair. 

Whatever possessed the stylist to do something like that?  On purpose? 

It almost looks like the poor model is fighting back the tears.  And I can't blame her.  That 'do is painfully bad.  No, I mean it looks like it might actually be causing her physical pain. 

A Cry for Help

If you see a friend or family member dressed like this, please be sure they seek immediate professional help. 

Please. 

Because wearing this-- white bermuda shorts over blue hose, with. . . whatever in the world those boots are. . . and a fuzzy, felted-looking short-sleeved, turtle-necked top under a cabled vest (which on its own is quite pretty, but that's beside the point)-- it is clearly nothing less than a cry for help-- and swift intervention. 

Consider:  If you don't do something quickly, it's only a matter of time before the dreaded Fashion Police swoop in on a sting operation.  You wouldn't want that on your conscience, now would you?

Ground Control to. . . What the Heck is That?

Um, yeah. . . Houston, we have some kooky headgear.

So. . . When is anyone ever going to wear something like this?  Skiiing?  Maybe.  If the person is skiing in the Great Wilderness and has no expectation of coming into contact with another human being. 

I'm sorry, folks.  I just can't get over the use of a metallic crochet doily as a "headphone" in this lime green knitted "Snoopy cap".  It baffles me how this ever came into existence.

". . .That's one small goof for knit designer, one giant guffaw for mankind."

"Roger that."

*Le Sigh*

It must be hard work modeling knit and crochet clothing. 

It can really take it out of a girl.

So who's to blame her if she resorts to leaning against the occasional convenient wall and pretending that it's an artistic pose?

Yes, yes, I've done my share of wall-leaning-- especially in my younger days-- but I don't think it's generally done like this, with the hips a good foot or two from the wall and the arms hanging limply at the sides.  Looks like her upper back is magnetically attracted to stone. . . Or like she's doing a trust-building exercise with the wall.  ("Just let your reservations go!  Allow yourself to fall backwards, completely secure in the knowledge that your wall will catch you!")

"What the. . ."

This "what the" is a fairly small photo, which makes it difficult to make out some of the details, and honestly, I think we all ought to be thankful for that fact.

I'm marking this as "swimwear", though to tell the truth, I'm not 100% sure it's meant to be swum in.   (Wear this in public-- in the bright light of day-- poolside or at the beach?  Seriously?)

But what else could it be?

Something for the bedroom, perhaps. . . though I pity the poor man who's expected to keep a straight face when his lady saunters in wearing a daffodil bikini.  ("Let's just switch the lights off first, shall we, Sweetums?")

The Lion, the Witch and the Very Odd Wardrobe Choice

Have you seen the 2005 version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe?  While not strictly necessary, a familiarity with the costuming in that film will increase your enjoyment of today's Yarn Yuck offering.

That's because these bizarre collars are quite reminiscent of that crazy get-up worn by Jadis, the White Witch, in the movie's final battle scene.  (This is the costume to which I refer.)

Right?
I'm right, aren't I?

This is the one she wears to fancy parties-- her version of the Little Black Dress:

. . . And this one is for when she's in the mood for something a little more colorful:

I suppose that if you're an evil witch ruling the world in a fantastical parallel universe, you can pretty much get away with wearing anything-- even this.  I mean, if someone smirks-- stiffles a laugh-- raises an eyebrow-- ZAP! you just turn them to stone.  (That'll quiet the rest of them!)  But for those of us who live in the real world. . . maybe it's best to give this one a miss.

I'm Too Sexy for This Sweater

Sometimes you have to wonder. . .

. . . whose stroke of genius was it to tell the model to pose like this (and with a frilly cravat-y thing poking out at the neck)?

"Yes, dahling, I'm loving it-- loving it.  Now, try putting your hand on the side of your head.  No, with the elbow up-- higher-- higher!  Pretend you're leaning against an invisible brick wall.  Bellissimo!"

Very awkward, is it not?  And to make matters worse, something about this guy's expression makes me feel like "I'm Too Sexy" should be playing in the background.

Sci-Fi Scarf-Hat

I've been known to watch a little sci-fi in my time.  It's not my favorite genre, but I enjoy the occasional foray into other worlds / dimensions / etc.  That said, I don't expect to have sci-fi flashbacks while innocently browsing patterns for knit and crochet.

At first, I thought this bizarre scarf-hat combo was reminding me of the strange headgear worn by Guinan (Whoopi Goldberg's character on Star Trek: The Next Generation), but now I wonder if what I'm really remembering is that tentacle-headed, green-skinned woman in one of the Star Wars movies (who, now that I look it up, is apparently known as "Oola").

Either way, I can't see anyone not dressed in costume for a convention (of whatever sort) wearing this. . . this thing.

She'd Broken His Heart, Along with the Engagement. . .

He hurled the engagement ring into the sea, cursing the day he'd met her. . .

. . . and then he promptly walked back to his car and drove away, because, really, who dresses like this to spend a day at the beach?

A Fringe Too Far

It takes a brave woman to wear a vest that looks like it might have been made from her own hair:

Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing as too much fringe, and I think we're looking at it right. now. . .

(Well, at least she had the decency to wear something underneath it.)

"Merry-Go-Round Fashions"

. . . and to think-- all these years I've been riding the merry-go-round in my regular, everyday clothes!

"Merry-Go-Round Fashions".  Who knew such a thing even existed?!

(Cute knitwear, though.)

Practically Perfect!

This crocheted hat brings back memories of Mary Poppins: 

I suppose it's not awful. . . It just feels like the kind of thing no real (modern-day) person would ever wear.

Maybe it's a shame, but people simply don't wear hats like they used to-- to the point that most hats look a little silly from my thirty-something perspective.  (Sorry, hat-lovers.)

Here's another.  It's worse than the other (imho) because it's not even vaguely attractive. 

Of course, it doesn't help that the model is wearing a week's worth of eyeliner and eyebrow pencil. . . and is posing her hand in possibly the least natural position possible. . . Plus the name "pill box" just does not appeal.

Inspired by Nature

Today's piece looks to me like it was inspired by nature. . .

Yes, inspired by Spanish moss. . . or some form of seaweed. . .

Who wouldn't want to have either of those things draped from shoulder to shoulder?  ("It makes you feel like a mermaid!")

(And on a side note, I wonder who told the model to put one hand on her bum for this photo-- or maybe it was her own stroke of genius.)

Real Mean Wear Lilac

"So, yeah.  When my girlfriend offered to knit me this sweater, I was all like, 'Sure, baby, whatever you wanna do', because I wanna be supportive of her and all that crap, y'know?  Besides, I mean, like I get cold from time to time, so sure, a sweater could be cool."

"But then when she gives it to me, and I see it for the first time, I'll all like, 'Uhhhh, thanks, babe. . .'  I mean, I don't wanna say anything, but seriously?  It's like something a chick would wear.  I mean, look at it.  These little whatever-they-are on the front. . . And then the color!  Light purple?  I think she calls is 'lilac', which honestly is even worse.  I mean, I know some guys wear pink, and I got no problem with them or whatever, but it's just not that masculine, you know?  It's not my style.

"But whatever.  I can't say anything to her about it, so I guess I'm stuck wearing it until I can accidentally 'lose' it at the gym or something.  Because seriously, I love her and all, but-- really?  I'm supposed to wear this in public?  I'm only wearin' it now because this morning she asked why I never wear it and looked like she was either gonna cry or punch me. . .

"Like I said, I love the girl, but just because she wears nothing but 'lilac' doesn't mean I have to, too, right?

"I mean. . . right?"

(Poor guy doesn't realize she's standing right there and probably heard every word. . .)

Does Not Compute

Hey, a word to the wise. . .

. . . If it's cold enough for a scarf, you might want to consider wearing more than a (hideous, knitted) bikini top.

Whose Bright Idea Was This?

It's probably not easy directing models day in, day out.  Maybe you get bored with the same old poses-- or worry that your bosses or the public are getting tired of them.

Still, there's no excuse for this:

Um, sweetie, that's not how most women wear their purses.

And. . . incidentally. . . why have you used the purse as a planter?  That's also not what a woman would typically do (just so you know).

The Sweater Plague

My husband walked past while I had this photo open and made this observation:

"That sweater looks like it has a skin condition."

That was exactly what I was thinking.  Some horrible, possibly as-yet-unknown disease that causes huge pustule-ish things to pop up all over the place.  Either that, or it's being colonized by barnacles.

One has to wonder how anyone ever thought this was a good idea.  Or, okay, maybe we give them a pass on that, because sometimes things that look good in our minds just don't turn out as well as we'd hoped-- but in that case, why didn't they have an "I made a huge mistake" moment, rip out the stitches (or burn the whole darn thing, just to be on the safe side), and never tell a soul about it?  Why go through with it, to the point of publication?  And why work it up in this fleshy pink, of all colors?  The human organism is a mysterious, often incomprehensible thing, is it not?

Oh, and BONUS-- Did you spy those (matching) knitted shorts?

I Never Knew Crochet Could be So Creepy. . .

Am I the only one who thinks this picture looks slightly sinister?

(Cue the creepy music. . .)

"I put my hand into my glove;
Now you must pray to God above.
My crochet gloves will keep me clean
No drop of blood left to be seen."


Or something. . .  (What?  Why are you backing away like that?)

Anyway, creepiness aside, the gloves look kind of bulky to me.  I'm not terribly impressed.

Pardon Me, Madam!

I don't want to be cruel-- really I don't. . . but. . .

Is that a woman or a man in the yellow and orange monstrosity (in the back. . . . like anyone could possibly miss it. . .)?  If it's a man, why?  For humor's sake?  To be avant-garde?  Because they just couldn't rustle up another model of the female persuasion? 

Why is his/her hair lavender, and whatever could have induced him/her to agree to model that awful dress?

I shouldn't focus all my joking on poor Yellow-and-Orange, though, because the whole thing is rather bizarre.  Why are the models surrounded by, sitting and standing on wrapped gifts?  Why are they not wearing shoes?  (The better to show off their brilliantly colored stockings?)

It's all so mystifying!

Why Even Bother. . .?

This is not really about the crocheted hat in the photo below. . .

Go ahead and crochet yourself a pale lavender hat, if you will.
*makes vaguely royal gesture*  I give you leave to do so.

. . . However, a word of advice:  If you plan on wearing said hat with that top, there's really no point in making and wearing such an unexceptional accessory.  No-one is likely to notice it.

Red, White &. . . Eww

The title sums it up pretty nicely, I think. 

I don't know if this was even meant to be patriotic, but assuming it was (what with all the red, white, and blue). . . Does something still count as a display of patriotism if it's rather ugly, or does the ugliness transform it into an act of treason?  ;o)

The Couple That Shares A Wardrobe. . .

Dressing alike had brought them so much closer together! 

Now, they weren't like those creepy couples who wore matching outfits.  (Perish the thought!)  They merely shared a common closet stocked with a seemingly endless supply black pants, button-down shirts, and modest neckties-- the perfect background for their gorgeous knitted sweaters and cardigans. 

It had done so much to address their intimacy issues, to share clothes this way!  They heartily recommended it to all their friends, family, and acquaintances. 

Baby-in-a-Bag

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's true!

Now you, too, can enjoy the comfort and convenience of Baby-in-a-Bag™! 

With traditional blankets, your baby could be rolling, scooting, or crawling all over the place.  (That's just not cool, Baby!)  But with Baby-in-a-Bag™, there'll be none of that nonsense! 

Seal your baby in crochet today!  Tucked tidily away in a soft and cozy crocheted bag (with built-in hoodie and satin trim!), your little one will never (be able to) cause you a moment's worry, ever again! 

Call in the next five minutes and we'll even throw in one of our patented Dog-in-a-Bag crocheted bags!

CALL NOW!

Security Afghan

Brenda's security afghan was a much-needed source of comfort as Brad broke up with her over the phone-- the cad!  He said he couldn't see himself having a serious relationship with anyone who chose matching patterns for her wallpaper and bedspread.  How dare he, really?  He knew that she suffered from matchy-matchy-itis, that brute!  Well, she told herself, wiping a solitary tear from the corner of one eye, she was better off without him. . .

Supermodel Thin

Maybe it's a trick of the lens. . . or the angle. . . or a magic vest. . . or something. . .

. . . but this model looks dangerously thin.

This reminds me of the scandal of the Photoshopped Ralph Lauren model, only it's from well before the days of Photoshopping.

It's actually kind of scary-looking.  I have no problem with people being thin, but this looks almost unhealthy.

Leia Wannabe

That's right, I said it. 

She's a a Leia wannabe.

How else can you explain this ridiculous get-up?

Seriously, under what circumstances would you ever have occasion to wear something like this?  Surely not out in public, so what does that leave?  Lounging around the house, I suppose.  Meh, I'll stick with my comfy jeans, tees, and (when I'm really cutting loose) fleece robe, thanks all the same. 

M-I-C-K-E-Y. . .

That's right, they may not say as much on the cover of the book (all those pesky licensing fees, you know), but (aside from the fact that his have four fingers and these have five) these are clearly Mickey Mouse gloves:

"For the entire family". . .

You know you want some.

You Asked for It

I'm sure this is book(let) was meant along the lines of, "Oh, looky!  You expressed an interest in floral doilies, granny square housecoats, and . . . whatever's in that Christmas-themed photo (stuffed toys and thread ornaments?).  And we heard you.  We heard-- and answered--  your pleas for the granny square housecoat.  (You can thank us later.)  Aren't you lucky we read our fan mail?  We'd do almost anything for you, our loyal readers!"

However, to us contrary types, it comes across more like this:

you asked for these.

That's right-- YOU.  This is all your doing, and don't you try to deny it!
If you don't like it, you have no-one to blame but yourself. 

. . . I think it may be the lack of an exclamation point (or even capitalization, for that matter) that does it. . .

BFFs No Longer. . .

So that was that. . . The friendship was damaged beyond repair, and they both knew it.  Not even their shared love of knitted sweaters could bridge the emotional chasm that lay between them now. . .

"What Am I Wearing?"

You can almost read the model's mind. . .

She's thinking (and in this order):

1. What in the heck am I wearing??
2. Who in her right mind wears this much lavender all at the same time?
3. If you have huge, bell-shaped sleeves of fun fur-esque eyelash yarn, do you really need extra-long crocheted lace sleeves in addition to said fun fur sleeves-- or isn't this overkill?
4. What occasion calls for this particular ensemble?
5. They're really not paying me enough to model this.
6. I need a new agent. . .

A Real Page-Turner

I sympathize with people in charge of every aspect of producing and presenting knit and crochet patterns for men.  Really I do.  It can't be an easy job.  They usually try to create some macho appeal to counteract the preconception that handknits are somehow inherently feminine. Unfortunately, in models' poses and expressions, "macho" often ends up looking more like "moody".

. . . And then you have the occasional book of knitting patterns for men that looks more like a thriller or crime novel:

Just look at the drama and tension in those eyes!

"From best-selling author Phildar comes the latest in his series of edge-of-your-seat suspense-- Homme.  Will the hard-boiled detective solve the mysterious mystery in time?  Or will his penchant for cabled sweaters be his ultimate undoing?"

Mommy's Little Elfkin

Admission:  I actually think this is fairly adorable.

However. . .

. . . this is probably the kind of thing your child will someday resent you for making him or her wear.  You know, because it looks like an elf costume.

It's still pretty darn cute, though.

Wear Something Underneath!

As promised, here's one of many (many) to come-- a photo in the category of Wear Something Underneath:

As you can see, this one had the decency to wear something under her very open crochet dress, but in this case, Something is precious little.

"Um, excuse me, miss, but your bra strap is showing. . . Er, actually, the entire bra is showing. . . and . . actually, I can see your panties as well."

You'd almost think (especially if you saw only the right half of the photo) that this might be just a fancy lace slip-- you know, the kind women used to wear under dresses.  (Some still do, I'm sure, but I don't think it's as common as it was when I was younger-- oh, twenty years ago or so.)  But judging by the left half-- and the little matching bolero jacket-- I'd say this is meant to be worn "as is".

Shocking.

Does anyone actually wear things like this without something more concrete underneath?  Technically, I guess you don't see more than you do when someone wears a bikini, but it just feels so much more scandalous-- and there are different expectations at a beach than out and about town or in a shop (or wherever else you're supposed to wear this thing).

(Go ahead.  Call me a puritanical American.  I can take it.)