Humpty Horror Show

I've written before about how horrifying the Humpty Dumpty story is...

Well, guess what I found.  "Fantasy Fellows" for you to crochet, including Chillbert the Snowman, Funnybone the Clown (~shudder~), and our very own Humpty Dumpty:

And Humpty's big selling point?  He falls apart:

See what I mean about Humpty?  Horrifying.

(Where's the yellow and black crocheted "Crime Scene - Do Not Cross" tape...?)

Matchy-Matchy

After the unfortunate incident with that hussy at the Renaissance Fair, Felicity had vowed that from then on she would leave no room for doubt that Adam was already in a committed relationship. 

Black Tie Optional

"While appreciate your efforts to adhere to the dress code, Ms. Turkelson...

"...It's not necessary for you to wear a neck tie every day."

Fringe Gone Mad

At what point does a designer cross over from "amateur fringe fancier"...

...right into "frenzied fringe fanatic" territory?

Evading the Coppers

"It's the cops!  Quick!  Flatten yourself against the wall!

"...You don't think they saw us, do you?"

"I doubt it.  But look-- you're wearing something under that mesh top, so I'm sure you're in compliance with any laws on public indecency..."

(Love the trim on the top, and those shoes are great, too-- but the pose-- that, I laugh at.)

Fashion Knitting... For Cubists!

"Fashion Knitting"...

...Where knitting and modern art come together at last!

 (In an unholy union.)

Sensible Shoes

Here we have a fine example of the Soleless (though some might argue that it should be "Soulless") Doily Thong Sandal:

Obviously they're meant to be worn at the beach...
...Which I suppose is more responsible than suggesting that someone wear them to work...

...But think about it: 
If you wear these to the beach, aren't you just asking for a bizarre tanline?

No, I'm sorry.  I cannot condone their use, beachside or anywhere else.
(They don't look very comfortable, anyway.)

What Can You Say...?

...At least they're bright, cheerful colors...

...And apparently even a beginner can make the vests.

I really hope the head-eating neckline never comes back into style, though... (Um, guys?  Was that ever in style?  Please say it ain't so!)

Beauty's Only Skin Deep

Most of us have physical shortcomings-- some little (or not-so-little) thing about our own body we'd love to change.  Nose a smidge too big?  Lips a trifle thin? 

Some of us are sensitive about our ears:

Are your dog's ears just not big enough?  Doggy ear supplements!
They make all the difference in the world.

(Honestly, I can't tell if these were knit or crocheted at all, and I can't recall where I found the image, so I can't go back and check... If they aren't yarn-craft, let's just file this one under "Just Because", ok?)

BOO!

This little jacket might be very pretty.  However, I have a hard time deciding one way or the other-- primarily because of the distracting way in which it is displayed:

This pose makes me think of a cobra... or one of those neck-frilled dinosaurs that ate Newman on Jurassic Park.

I could be wrong, but I don't think anyone's going to actually wear the jacket like that, guys...

Fancy That!

Isn't this crocheted dress fancy?

The color combo (gold and green-- like something an athletic team might select for their team colors)!

The ruffly split skirt!

The holey fabric of the front!

The neckline (and that limp ribbon bow tacked on as an afterthought)!

When you see a woman in this garment-- as she walks away-- somehow you can't help but think to yourself, "Wow, that's one fancy dress!"

Desperate for New Ideas

This is how you know a yarn manufacturer is desperate for new ideas for free patterns...

When they come up with things like this:

So, you take a few plastic darning needles, wrap some crochet thread around them and TA-DAH!  Jewelry!

What a Ham!

You could say that modeling is a form of acting, and there are some models who can't seem to resist the urge to ham it up-- to overact...

"Um, Darla?  Could you tone it down just a shade?  Yeah, that'd be great."

Fritz

Allow me to introduce Fritz the Frog:

The bulging eyes, eyelids peeled back in terror!  The lips beak mouth opened to release his dying croak! 

This poor macrame amphibian has obviously been run over-- rendered flat as a flapjack.  Poor old Fritz-- only the latest in a string of Frogger fatalities.

Big & Tall

"Vest designed for the large man in mind":

This is basically a tank top made of yarn.  Not exactly flattering.

Eek!

It's a creature from your nightmares, come to life in crochet!

I think this must be a toilet-paper cover.   It might be an effective way to get people to conserve bathroom tissue.  After all, would you want to be the one who had to disturb the evil clown head perched on the toilet tank*?  No, I thought not.  You'd just make do with a little less t.p.!

*Imagine having to turn your back on that thing!  I'd be tempted to toss a towel over it...

Groovy

Check out these groovy matching sweaters!

(Dude. They even look like they're the same size.)

Those knitted pantlets are the great, too.  (But why isn't he wearing a matching pair, hmm?  Chicken.)

Choking Hazard

"OMG!

"I'm somehow like choking myself with this necklace! 

"No, seriously, guys!  It's not funny!  Somebody help me!!"

Cool!

"Hey, guys!  Lookit this! 

"I can totally check out my own butt!

"...And I'm hot!"

(Or something like that... That sweater is pretty cute, though.)

The Weakest Link

Here we have a hat that is kooky enough from the brim up.  It has random, decorative buttons, floofy bits around the top of the brim, and long, ropy fringe.  That would be enough whimsy to satisfy most people, but the designer decided to take it to the next level...

Thus the jumbo yarn chains. 

The Well-Dressed Man

Want to express your undying love for hubby?  Crochet him a matching shirt and shorts set (complete with panels of mesh)!

He'll be so thrilled that he's sure to offer you a piggy-back ride!  He'll even volunteer his shoulder to serve as a makeshift seat for you when all the picnic benches are occupied at the park! 

(Husband, dear?  What color should I make your set of crochet loungewear?)

Tubular!

"I simply don't know what I'd do without my knit tube!  Seriously, this thing is so versatile!  And so comforting-- like a blankie for adults!"

(I bet it's easy to make, too!)

Fly the Yarn-Yucky Skies

It's probably all due to the hats, but these outfits seem like something flight attendants working for Yarn Yuck Airlines might wear...

Oh me, oh my...

The slit sleeves on the model to the right!
That long mesh apron on the model to the left!
Those stirrup things worn over the boots!  

*spluttering* 

(At least the top part on the left piece is pretty cute.  If I could get that as just a shirt (no skirt attached), I'd wear it.)

"Unusual" Indeed!

How long did the writer have to think to come up with a "tease" description suitable for this crocheted sea shell?  (Yes, you read that right.  A crocheted sea shell.)

"Lightweight Summer Shell".
(So much lighter than the ones you find on the beach!  Perfect for summertime.  You don't mind lugging around the heavy winter shells so much in the cooler time of the year, but by summer, it's really just too much.)

"Unusual Decoration..."
Well, yes, I'll give you that.  It certainly is unusual.

This is another of those projects that have an air of desperation about them. 

"Poor Bernadette!  Did you hear that she's started crocheting sea shells now?  She's simply run out of things to crochet.  (Her bed finally broke under the weight of all those afghans, you know.)  It's tragic, really..."

Bounce

Caution:  Oversized, belted cardigans may cause uncontrollable bouncy dancing.

Experts recommend wearing them only in open, unpopulated places.  Failure to do so may result in bumps and bruises to the body and the ego.

The Call of the Wild

I hear the wilderness ragamuffin look is going to be really hot this fall.

Look for lots of burlap-esque skirts-- rich tapestries of patches, loose threads, and unraveling hems.   We'll also be seeing lots of fur trim.  (Très elegant!)

Who says ultra-long sleeves lack in practicality?  Sure, you may have a little trouble doing things that require the use of your hands, but you won't need to bother with gloves or mittens!

Then we have this lovely jacket, which was inspired by a feral cat that the designer saw fighting in the alley behind his apartment.  It's sure to help you take a walk on the wild side!

We have so much to look forward to in the coming months!

Alien Life-Form

Remember ALF?  (C'mon, sure you do, right?  Though maybe you haven't thought about him for, oh, twenty years or so.)

I know you'll be as excited as I am to learn that there are patterns out there that enable you to crochet your very own ALF toy!

 Or you can knit him, if you prefer:

If someone unfamiliar with that old TV program saw one of those (especially the knit one), what would they think it was meant to be?  A demonic anteater, perhaps?

Well, I'll leave you now.  It's probably going to take you a while to hunt down one of those patterns, so you should get right on that...

Extreme

Warning!  Warning! 

Prude Alert!  Prude Alert!

People with small children, bossy bosses, or weak stomachs-- as well as those with heart conditions and pregnant women (??)-- should exercise caution. 

Today's Yarn Yuck photo may not be appropriate for all audiences. 

(There.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

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This, friends, is an extreme case of "wear something underneath":

It was obviously taken at a fashion show, and for whatever reason, it seems that almost anything goes on the runway.  (I suppose we should just be thankful for "the Brazilian", if you know what I mean...)

A few further words to the crocheters among us: 
The power of the pineapple is strong-- very strong-- and so it is all the more necessary that we wield that power wisely.  This... was unwise.

Manly Neckline

Manliest.  Neckline.  EVER.

When you see a man in this sweater-- with that neckline-- you know you'd better stay out of his way.  He's one of those rough-and-tumble tough-guys-- nice enough as long as he gets his way, but you don't want to give him the hint of a reason to put you on his list of enemies... ~shiver~

He spends his spare time practicing hand-to-hand combat, building log cabins (using only early-19th century tools), and killing wildcats with his bare hands. 

(And yes, I got all of that from the neckline.  It's that manly.)

Poor Posture

I knew a girl, once, who stood this way all the time-- only she hitched that hip up even higher and stooped down further, resting the other elbow on the corresponding leg.  (I think she thought it was attractive to the boys in our 6th grade class...  I don't know.  Don't ask me.)  There's no telling the damage she did to her still-developing spine...

The model must be in some sort of mime training program, because she's obviously leaning her elbow on an invisible bar and talking on an invisible telephone.  (Obviously.) 

Pirouette

Sure, they may call them "slippers"...

...but anyone can see that these magnificent powder blue and white concoctions are knitted ballet boots (with tassels).

The only downside-- slippers aren't really meant to be worn out and about, and you'll really want to show these beauties off.  Oh well, nothing's perfect.

Howdy, Dowdy!

There are aspects of this top that I like, and it could probably be cute with a little tweaking or on the right body type, but in these particular photos, it mostly looks kind of frumpy.

Maybe if it weren't so high-waisted... And if it didn't have that dark band in that precise spot...

Poor girl.  No wonder she looks reproachful in the bottom photo. 
"Why do you want me to look stodgy, Mrs. Fashion Designer?  Why?"

Peek-a-Boo!

Peek-a-boo, model's belly button, I see you!

...Which is all well and good, I suppose, if you're very fit (as this model is), but most of us like to (or perhaps I should write "ought to") keep the ol' tum-tum under wraps. 

Just Plain Ugly

Where to begin?

There's the whole "wear something underneath" aspect (as I call it), though technically enough is covered...

It's impossible to miss the pointless mesh element... (Seriously, why bother? That section is 98% air.)

And then there's the fact that this thing is just plain ugly.  Why don't any of the round bits match?  The one on the left is a hypnotic spiral, the one on the right is a dartboard, and the one on the bottom is a striped Easter egg.  (Clearly.)   Would it make a measurable improvement if they did?  (Unlikely.)

The Price She Pays

Sure, it was a bit of a drag, but Felicia had known when she dressed that morning that the combination of her natural good looks with that smashing knitted sweater and sleeveless cardigan was sure to attract the usual swarm of short old men in suits.  It was the price she had to pay for fashion and beauty.

(The knitwear's not the issue in this one; it's the pose that makes me laugh.  Who decided to pair this tall, young model with four shortish old men in suits?  Why huddle them so closely around her?  It's a mystery!) 

Huh?

I'm probably just not sophisticated enough to appreciate the subject of this entry.

Maybe it's like so much modern art.  Critics love it-- museums proudly display it-- collectors shell out the big bucks for the privilege of owning it-- and I just look at it, shake my head, and think, "I could've done that.  Heck, I could've done that when I was five years old-- but I wouldn't have.  I had better taste."

Yeah, just not sophisticated enough, I guess.  That's why I look at this piece and tilt my head to one side, then the other (like a dog trying to puzzle out the meaning of something not quite within its grasp)...

"Huh?  What's that all about?"

Nostalgia for the Past

Oh, for those glorious days of yore when women were women and men were men! 

Ah, for pearls and aprons and all sorts of truly feminine clothes! 

Like bed jackets!

Why don't women wear bed jackets any more?

...Oh.  That's why.

(Some of you will probably swoon over this jacket.  I just can't get past those weird sleeves...)

Shiiiiiiny...

Her dress is so bright...

She's gotta wear shades.

Hideous

I know I've poked fun at knitted and crocheted swimsuits before.  (I just can't seem to take them seriously.)  However, this one is a special kind of awful. 

Feast your eyes-- then dare try to tell me this isn't absolutely hideous:

The bottom-- unsettlingly like boy's briefs (from some horrifying alternative universe where boy's briefs are knitted). 

The top-- unspeakable. 

The whole thing looks like what you might get if you gave MacGyver* MacGruber a child's knitted sweater and a naked model and told him the fate of the world depended on his ability to dress her for the beach in under three minutes.

*I had to scratch out MacGyver's name there, because I think we all know that he could've come up with something better than this. 

YOU Decide!

Is the model laughing uproariously......or screaming in agony?

Fingers pressed to her temples because her head is exploding with a sudden migraine?  (Meanwhile shrieking to the heavens for relief from the unbearable pain?)

Or her head thrown back at an unlikely angle because she just thought of something unbelievably hilarious and had a spontaneous eruption of mirth?

Either way, I think we can all agree that it's rather an odd pose.