Ticker-Tape

As you dress for whatever fabulous New Year's Eve party you'll be attending tonight, I bet you'll wish you had one of these:

Why wait for the clock to strike midnight to be covered in streamers and confetti? 

(I love it that they had her model it multiple times-- and the only things the changed were her stockings, shoes, and necklace.  Oh, and they slightly curled her hair.  Makes all the difference in the world.  Apparently.)

The Kook Factor

I'm all for using up those little scraps of yarn (waste not, want not, you know!), but it's important to take into account the kook factor such a random mishmash of stripes and pools of color can introduce to a piece...

Not everyone can pull off this look without seeming slightly ridiculous. 

On the other hand, no-one will ever miss you in a crowd.  ("I'll be the one in the crazily striped hat with the big, yellow, crocheted rose on it.")

Touchy-Feely

Meet the Love Trapezoid Gang:

Maybe it's just because I'm a cold, distant person whose life is devoid of almost all human contact... but the degree of touching and exchanged glances in this photo strikes me as somewhat excessive.  Who's with whom?  Do you go with the locked eyes?  Or do you base it on who's touching whom?  (Well, considering that almost everyone is touching everyone else, that could be tricky...)

Seriously, I think you could write a very interesting (and trashy) novel based on the tangled relationships represented in this single image.  (Send me a copy if you do, please.)

Sporty

This is just what my husband needs, the next time he goes pheasant shooting:

Rawr!

That's all.  Just "rawr". 

It's all the caption this photo needs, really...

Look on the Bright Side

A serene smile lit the face of the younger of the two girls.  Being selected as one of the PomPom Cult's annual human sacrifices was a bit of bad luck, but at least she got to wear a ceremonial pompom frock...

...and they'd been given such beautiful toys as parting gifts, too!

(The moral of the story:  Pompoms make everything better.)

I Spy

Oops.  With all the Christmas hustle and bustle, I forgot that I hadn't scheduled posts for yesterday... Let's make up for it today!

We start the day off with a vintage cover-- Hand Knits for Men. 

What do you suppose this trio of besweatered men might be discussing...?

One possibility:
"That window there about 9 every night.  On top of everything else, she's punctual, too!"

Santa Looks a Bit Flushed...

"Um... 'Scuse me, Santa... but I've really gotta go!"

Look, I realize he sees me when I'm sleeping and knows when I'm awake... I guess I can deal with that.  (I mean, he has to decide if I've been naughty or nice, right?) ...But does he have to keep tabs on my "bathroom activities", too?!  This is getting ridiculous!

Merry Christmas!

No Yuck this time-- just a very nicely done yarn-craft nativity scene:

Merry Christmas!

Little Known Fact

I never knew Santa had such a thing for cheetah print...

Last Minute Crafting

Just realized you accidentally left someone off your Christmas gift list? 

Not to worry!  We've got you covered. You can whip up this no-effort necklace in the blink of an eye! 

Simply twist together a couple small skeins of yarn (we know you have some to spare), and voilà!  A "unique" gift sure to fill the recipient with delight joy speechlessness:

I dare you to find an easier, faster yarn-based hand-crafted gift!

The Well-Dressed Barbie

Don't forget your Barbie dolls, this gift-giving season!

"This long floral skirt and bell-sleeved half-top evoke fond memories of the 1970s!":

"Fiesta Time!  Crochet fabulous doll outfits":

Missing: 8 Tiny Reindeer (+ Rudolph)

What happened to Rudolph & Company??

Santa, I know the price of flying reindeer feed has increased sharply over the past few years, but this is unacceptable. 

(So, who thinks this travesty is the result of a crocheter too lazy or short of time to make all the reindeer?)

Puppy Power!

Gift Idea of the Day:  Crocheted Pound Puppies!

"Crochet Your very Own Baby Puppies... Plus Outfits to Wear"!

"Look What a Can Can Be"

"Look what a can can be:  Mother Christmas":

Pretty nifty, huh?   (And the resemblance to Mother Christmas is uncanny.)

"Filled with candy, etc, these make great little 'keepsake gifts'"...

..."Mrs. Kringle (Over Pringles!)"
(Oh-ho!  We have another poet who didn't know-it!)

Well, snap to it, all of you! 
There are still a couple more days of crafting time before the Big Day!  Whip out those hooks, start scarfing down tubes of Pringles, and work up some great little "keepsake gifts"!  Right NOW!

P.S. It just struck me that maybe what "Mother Christmas" is holding is meant to be a crochet hook and a crochet project... Before, I just assumed it was supposed to be a candy cane and a poorly-made stocking.  (That would explain the loose thread, at least.)

Is That Really Moi?

Another great gift idea:  A Generic Miss Piggy!  (In Crochet!)

Just look at those beautiful golden ringlets!

Candy Cane Cover

Here's another of those projects that shout "I've run out of real things to make":

Yes, Candy Cane Covers, because you don't want to leave those suckers out with no protection!  (They might catch a chill.)

Ah, nothing captures the joy of the season like a candy cane shoved up a crocheted horse head!

Stocking Stuffers

Looking for a darling little something to plop-- er, pop into a loved one's stocking?
Yeah, well, wish I could help you with that.

I've heard of crappy gifts, but this is ridiculous...

Now, don't go and spoil my fun by pointing out that they're probably supposed to be (earless, legless) hamsters, or something.  I'm perfectly happy believing they are t**d toys with wiggly eyes, teensy black noses, and hair-bows. 

What a CROK...

Today's Yarn Yuck is something a little different... Today, I have for you a "MARVELOUS 'CROK' NATIVITY SET!" (cue the wild applause)

(See?  It says so right there.)

Now, if you're like me, you read that and wonder what "CROK" is, exactly. 
Fortunately for us, there's a little subtitle that explains everything!

Oh, so "CROK" is a clever acronym for "Crochet Looks Knitted"... But... wait.  No, it isn't.  An acronym would be something like "CLK"... Or if you want something pronounceable, maybe "CROLOK".

Well, what does this CROK stuff look like, anyway?

Hm...
I leave it to you to decide whether it looks or not it lives up to the promise of "CROK".

Oui, Monsieur!

Time's running out, so if you discover you still need a handmade gift for someone, a quick project-- like a scarf-- is ideal!

Here's one for the yes-man in your life:

...As if he needed reminding!

Will the Real Kris Kringle Please Stand Up?

Santa... Is that you?

No, no, you look good. 
...Really.
...Well, I guess we'd better be going.  Lots of shopping to do... You know how it is...
Yeah, nice seeing you, too!  We'll have to get together again sometime, you know, after all the holiday rush is over... Yeah... Well, bye!

(I think the strain of the workload might finally be getting to him...)

You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yeti!

The Abominable Snowman trim really makes this vest, don't you think?

Sure, it's a little pricey, but you're worth it.

They Prefer "Pleasantly Plump"

"Hey, who you callin' pudgy?!"

Whoa... Easy on the oats, there, Rudolph! 
(And maybe we should put out skim milk and rice cakes for Santa, this year...)

No More Monkeying Around!

One of the hottest handmade toys this year is Mack the Angry Sock Monkey...

...and his hapless henchdog, Jack.  

Along with your little ones, they'll hatch all sorts of fun plots for world domination-- and the occasional bank heist.

But whatever you do, don't call Mack "Curious George"... You don't even want to know what he did to the last person who made that mistake...

Old? Why So Insulting?

Allow me to present "Old St. Nick":

Poor Santa!
He has so much to do this time of year, he can't see straight!

Cozy

House fire waiting to happen:

(It almost looks like it's already starting to burn.)

How... Festive.

Well, look at that! 

It's a... Christmassy crochet wall-hanging... thing.  ...Oh, for me? ...You shouldn't have!

Splish Splash

Gift Idea of the Day:  The Bubblegum-Pink Bathing Beauty!

Sure, she's a little bug-eyed, but to be fair, she does spend a lot of time hanging out with those frogs...

Get Crackin'!

Yikes!  
It's a gang of creepy crocheted Nutcrackers (whose purpose is purely decorative, as they have no moving parts and therefore couldn't crack a nut to save their stuffing)!!

Try not to panic.  Remember:  They're more afraid of you than you are of them...

Poor things.  They're really more pathetic than anything else.

Mr. Sneezie

Just in time for cold and flu season, it's Mr. Sneezie! 
And look!  He's "ready to lend a helping hand"!

Altogether now-- EWWWWW!

When Designers Snap...

Horror can result when members of certain professions suddenly lose their footing in reality.  You wouldn't want to be in an airplane, for instance, when the pilot goes berserk.  An armed policeman who suddenly loses his marbles?  Again, not a good thing.

While the stakes may not be quite as high in the stressful field of fashion design, the yarny carnage can still be stomach-turning:

Can you guess my favorite part of this design?

No, not the row of ribbon bows up the front...

No, not the meshy fabric of the skirt, either...

The sparkly yarn "necklace"?  Nah, that's almost normal by comparison with the rest of this ensemble. 

It's not even the poofy silver sleeves (though they come in a close second).

My very favorite parts are those slits over the front (and back) of the thighs.  Classy.

Classic Fanboy

Alfred tried his best to wait until January 27th-- a.k.a. Mozart's birthday, ZOMG!!!-- to unveil his awesome new sweater, but his willpower gave out sometime in mid-December...

Showdown

What?  You didn't get enough weird and/or ugly hats in yesterday's post?  Well, alright.  Lucky for you, there's more!

...In fact, you could even say it's an ugly hat showdown of sorts:

Let's see... Which of my many weird crocheted hats shall I wear today? 
Decisions, decisions!

Something Different

Tired of boring old regular-looking hats? 
Well, have I got some headgear for you!

Whether you crown your hat with a bizarre ruffle or a few dangling bits of mystery fur, at least you'll stand out in a crowd.

"Back to the Future"

If, like me, you've noticed that it's kind of chilly out there, lately, and you're in the mood to make yourself a nice, cozy hat-- and you actually have the spare time to do so, because you haven't assigned yourself a crazy amount of handmade gifts to finish by the end of December...

...then I'd like to be able to tell you I found the perfect pattern for you... but I haven't.

Well, not unless you want it to look like you knit it out of a steel scourer:

(You know, those stainless steel scouring pads people use in the kitchen sink?  Isn't that just what this monstrosity looks like?  Also, what's up with the joined shoulders?  Futuristic?  ...Possibly.  Strange choice?  Definitely.)

"Back to the Future," it says...
If that's the future, I guess I'll be living in the past.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

I know, I know.  It's perfectly natural.  It's part of the circle of life.  Some kids (not as many, these days) grow up on a farm and see the real thing happen before their very eyes.  Those who don't grow up on a farm have probably seen toys like Puppy Surprise (and Kitty Surprise, for cat people).

So of course we have someone who thinks, "Gee, why hasn't anyone made a stuffed crocheted pig with little amigurumi piglets what come out of a slit in her... um, tummy?  That'd be awesome!"

Surprise!  Surprise!  Piggy Surprise!  
How many piglets are there inside? 

(Two, apparently.  And honestly, I don't see how even that many fit in there... Poor Mother Piggy. --Gosh, you guys... I just thought of something.  You don't suppose this is Miss Piggy, do you?  ...Nah, I guess not.)

The best part may be this stuffed cow that is included in the same photo spread:

Mrs. Cow sits and stares at her own abdomen expectantly, patiently awaiting the day when her own young'uns will begin to pop out!

Air-Conditioned Dress

Psst! 
...Um, miss...
We can kind of see your undies through your dress...

...Or maybe you already knew that.

(What a waste of mad crochet skillz!)

She of the Strange Taste in Clothes

...Wonder what you'd call this look...

 The Native American Shaman Monk-Woman in Strappy Heels style?

(Not sure how much of this is made of yarn, but it was just so weird I couldn't pass it by...)

Club Boy

"Have you seen Ursula's latest boy toy?  I hear she found him waiting tables at some sort of club..."

I don't know why, but I can't take knitted or crocheted (adult-sized) garments seriously when they prominently feature text.

Go ahead, male model.  Smolder at the camera all you want.  You'll still be wearing a sweater with the word "Club" in script across the chest.  There's not a whole lot you can do about that, really.