Deep Pockets

Those are some huge pockets you got there, lady...

I betcha don't bother carrying a purse, do you?  'Cause you got two of them built right into that... jacket?  Or is that part of a scarf?  (No matter...)

You could probably fit a fair-sized load of groceries in those things, too. 
"Paper of plastic, ma'am?" 
"Oh, neither.  I'm wearing my pack-mule sweater today!"

Just So You Know...

...She despises you:

...With every fiber of her being.

...With every ounce of her soul. 

...From hell's heart, she stabs at thee; for hate's sake, she spits her last breath at thee.

...And, you know, she just doen't like you very much, in general.

(Isn't it amazing how much a really talented model can put into her facial expression?!)

How NOT to Dress for the Slopes

First off, I'll admit that I'm no expert on ski fashion.  I've never even been skiing.  Heck, I can count on one hand the number of times I've even been around enough snow to have a real snowball fight. 

However, lack of snow experience aside, I'm going to risk looking ridiculous and offer the following piece of advice:

When packing for a day on the slopes, steer clear of (legless) knitted onesies.

I don't care how beautifully cabled they are, they're simply not practical.  Even if you do pair them with knee-high fur-things.

*Shrug*

The chief argument in favor of doggy sweaters-- you know, that they serve a real purpose by keeping dogs (particularly short-haired ones) cozy in cold weather-- doesn't hold up quite so well when the garment in question is no longer a full sweater, but instead can be (and is) described as a "shrug":

That looks pretty silly, if you ask me, and my dogs would be horrified if I tried to dress them that way (or at all, as my dogs are habitual nudists), but to each his own way...

Fashion Is a Relative Term

"Here comes Peter Cottontail-- on a fun fashion pullover":

...And he's brought along two of his best friends...
...And their cottony pompomed bottoms are right there on the back of your sweater! 
...For all the world to see (and smirk at when your back is turned)!

This is one of those things that would probably be adorable on a kid, but I don't know if I'd describe it as "fashion".

Projects of Last Resort

There are certain things that, when I see them, make me think, "Wow, you must've been knitting/crocheting for a long time, that you've had to resort to making that...  Got a thousand scarves, huh?  Closet's stuffed with sweaters?  All the beds piled high with afghans?  Doilies, placemats, table runners, "casserole coasters", etc. on every horizontal surface?  ...So you started making these..."

This is one of those objects:

The caption:  "Simple chair or table boot protects wood floors from scratches." 

Uh-huh.  Yes.  Yes, I'm sure they do...

What's next-- fork and knife cozies to prevent scratches on your china?

Moody Model

Her expression says, "Pink makes me gwumpy!"

Can't really blame her, though.  I mean, they really surrounded her in Pepto, didn't they?  (And she's a redhead, too.  According to "old school" fashion, redheads and pink don't mix.)

P.S.  Don't worry, redheads. I think that's an outdated fashion "rule".  Go ahead and wear all the pink you want! ;o)

Fun-Fur Nightmare

It's like a helmet made of staticy fluff...

As if an earflap hat isn't goofy enough*, they had to go make it worse by working it up in eyelash yarn.

Those designers-- always taking things to the next level.

*I'm sure they're warm-- maybe even necessary in some climates-- but that doesn't change the fact that they aren't the most flattering look.

Exotic or Insane?

There's a fine line...

Is this look unique-- ethnic-- exotic... or just plain insane?

It's Educational.

Parents love educational toys, right? 

Well, here you go!  It's the beginnings of a knitted ecosystem:

Throw in some knitted grains for the mouse to eat... maybe a hawk or something to scarf down the snake... You've got yourself a cuddly learning tool! 

Exceedingly Unattractive

The flowers are probably a bit too feminine (and the mesh fabric too illogically revealing), but this still strikes me as the type of thing the women of Vulcan would wear...

Wherever this tunic/top is from, it's not very attractive (imho).

"Casserole Coasters"

"Crochet Casserole Coasters":

Also known as pot-holders... hot pads... trivets... practically anything but "casserole coasters", actually. 

(And just what kind of casserole is this person preparing to make, anyway?  I see broccoli, green onions, carrots, tomatoes, bell peppers, eggs, and macaroni...  Remind me to have a previous engagement, should they invite me over for supper.)

Cartoon Sweater

Some of you might argue that this isn't "yucky" at all-- that it's even quite cute:

Yes, well, I chose to post it because it struck me as funny. 

(If I were going to wear it, though, I'd probably pair it with higher-waisted pants than these...)

"Fashionable Mesh"

You don't have to take my word for it that this is fashionable mesh...

I mean, it's right there in print (which I did not add in Photoshop). 

It's a good thing they thought to label it that way, don't you think?  I mean, otherwise, I probably would've thought it was fairly unfashionable-- kind of ugly, even.  You know, because it's shapeless... and hangs down so low on the model... and has all those huge buttons on it (some of which seem to serve no purpose at all). 

Phew!  That was a close call.  It would've been mortifying to poke fun at something so fashionable!

Ringlets

This overachiever of a hat manages to be ugly in two ways:

There's the short fringe on the top (like a giant pompom, almost)...
And then there are the ringlets along the bottom.

Take in that little shawl, too.  Looks like someone figured out how easy, quick, and fun it is to make those little crochet ringlets and went slightly off his/her rocker.

Poor Thing...

Will someone get this poor girl some gloves or longer sleeves or something? 

I mean, really.  Is it not bad enough that she has to wear this silly-looking sweater?  She has to resort to sticking her hands under her turtleneck to protect them from frostbite, too?  

I Wuv You Forever

Aww... Isn't this adorable?

Someone-- his girlfriend?  his mommy?  gramma?-- loves our (teenaged? early-twenties?) male model so much that they knit him this sweater with two hearts (on the front and the back!) and the word "forever" in script upon it.

Yes, "forever"...  That's how long his pals at school (or work?  How old is this guy supposed to be?) will mock him, after they see him in this precious sweater. 

It's mostly olive green, but no color-- no matter how manly-- can ever counteract those decorations.  The only way I can see this "working" for your average man is if the hearts were replaced with skulls... ("Forever" takes on a slightly different context under those circumstances, does it not?) And even then, the font would probably need to be butched up a bit.  Pink script just outweighs even skulls, I think.

Well, at least the model seems happy enough in the sweater...  (Or maybe-- just possibly-- he's chuckling to himself over the thought of the poor dope who's going to have to wear that thing for real, out on the mean streets of the world...)

Name That Crochet Thingy!

Yes, ladies and gents, it's time again for that barrel of laughs-- that fount of funny-- Name That Crochet Thingy!  

(applause, applause)


First up, tonight, we have an oblong sheath with a drawstring tied into a cute bow...

Hm... What could that be?

If you guessed "baby bottle cover", congratulations, you just won 500 Name That Crochet Thingy credits (redeemable for random crap at your local Crochet Thingy Warehouse Club)! 

(As for the rest of you, get your minds out of the gutter, as they say.  For goodness' sake, this is a 1950's-era family game show! Tsk tsk!)

Crochet Seductress

What. . .?

. . .Don't you feel seduced? 

Well, it's certainly not for lack of trying.  The designer and model have done everything within their power to render grey yarn and crochet floral motifs (not to mention mesh) irresistible.

Me-ow

I'm not sure what this outfit is all about. . .

But the way it dips down in back and front reminds me of a leotard, which in turn makes me think of Cats. . .

Am I the only one?

Attack of the Crochet Cabbage Roses!

They're swarming her!  Quick!  Someone bring the Roundup!

Haven't we been over this before? 

Please, my fellow crocheters.  Show a little self-restraint!

*Shudder*

This model-- in this photo-- gives me the heebie-jeebies. 

The sweater I don't have much to say about (don't love it, but meh, to each his own), but the overall darkness of his clothes-- and those leather pants-- and (most of all) his piercing eyes and odd expression. . . I find myself disturbed.

He looks like the type of guy you don't have any evidence against, but whom you wouldn't exactly be surprised to hear had been arrested on suspicion of a string of gruesome murders. 

The Crochet Tramp-Bride

Oh, I know what you're thinking:  "Tramp-Bride?  Tramp?  Come on, Yarn-Yucker.  Isn't that a little bit harsh?"

Well, take a look for yourself:

It's a little trampy for a wedding dress. 

(Ok, so I personally wouldn't wear that thing in public on any occasion, but I can try to understand that some people might.  However.  At a wedding?  Your very own wedding?  Yep, trampy.)

Still not convinced?  Take a closer look at the inset photo. 

I rest my case. 

"Out of the Stone Age!"

You may remember a post from a few days ago-- one featuring a magazine cover with an article about "The Paleolithic Era"?  Well, a few decades back, they were interested in just the opposite:  "BRING CROCHET OUT OF THE STONE AGE!"

What constituted the Stone Age of Crochet?  Why did they hate it so?  How did they propose to take those first tentative steps into the Bronze Age?  We may never know (unless you can find a copy of this newsletter and read all about it for yourself). 

One can only hope that the thing that woman is wearing is a costume.  (Otherwise, we may have found the answer to our question about why the Crochet Stone Age was so despised. . .)

This cavewoman has assembled quite a treasure trove of crochet goods, there:

• Doilies, pot holders, placemats/rugs, pillows, and tops
• Retrolicious mushroom patterns
• Some sort of white stuffed bird (?)
• Curly-"haired" slippers with built-in claws (??)
• Two gnome-like creatures (???)
• Whatever that weird red-haired thing in the lower left corner is. . .

. . . And what is that gray, horseshoe-shaped thing?  A plush toilet seat? (Or maybe a donkey...)

The eye doesn't know where to look!

No Guts, No Glory

I know I tend to make a lot of jokes at the expense of fashion models, here at Yarn Yuck.  (It's hard not to, honestly.)  But every now and then I come across something I can't help but admire-- or at least sympathize with.

Such is the case with today's photo.  You cannot resist applauding the courage of this brave model who attempts to look intense-- some might even say sexy-- despite being swathed in a double layer of novelty yarn. 

Sure, the yarn's got confetti-like, carnival-colored slubs embedded in it.  And yeah, she knows the whole thing looks pretty silly.  But the piece was clearly designed with sauciness in mind, and she's going to do everything she can to deliver.

That's gotta take some gumption!

Brief Interlude from the Yuck

Ok, let me state right away that this one has nothing to do with knitting or crochet (aside from the fact that the model is wearing a knitted sweater).  The sleeves are doing a little of that "flying squirrel" thing I don't like so much, but aside from that, there's nothing to mock.  It's a decent sweater. 

The thing that really caught my eye was the huge chunk of plastic the model's holding up to her ear:

Wow.  Remember when cell phones were that big?  It hasn't really been that long! 

. . . . .

This has been a trip down memory lane.  We apologize for any pangs of nostalgia you may have suffered and assure you that they will soon fade.  

Button Up, Button Down

When I look at this crocheted dress. . .

. . . a couple of ideas present themselves as possibilities:

1. Someone has a button and/or flap fetish.  
2. The designer was very excited after learning how to incorporate buttons and buttonholes into crochet and went a leeetle bit overboard.

The best part?  It's the fact that each flap has two buttons-- one to keep it closed for modesty's sake (like when you're at work or attending a religious service), and one to keep it opened when you want to show a little (more) skin.  It's perfect for that tricky transition from office to evening out!

Stone Age Style

Artsy magazine covers are generally good for a laugh (or at least a snicker).

I assume that this woman is modeling a piece related to the feature on "The Paleolithic Era". . .

Yes, the Paleolithic Era. . . Because don't we all want to look like cave-dwellers? 

Call me unevolved, but I can't help feeling that this Paleolithic thing is taking "retro" just a wee bit too far.

(But at least it seems that the model was really getting into her role.)

All She Needs Is a Red Rubber Nose

Take a look at this little number!

It's what all the most fashionable lady clowns are wearing, this year. 

When Momma Ain't Happy. . .

"Honey. . .

. . . did you take the last TAB?"

(And after she'd toiled away knitting the whole family a set of seamless raglans, too.  He knew she only drank TAB, the cad!)

A Word of Warning

On this Fourth of July (howdy, my fellow Americans!), there is one thing that it is crucial that you should remember.

No, it's nothing to do with wearing sunscreen. (Though, yes, that's always a good idea. . . )

Nope.  Nothing about fireworks safety. (Though, again, that's something to take seriously. . . )

Keep in mind the meaning of the day-- the value of freedom-- etc., etc.?  No, no-- not that.  (But yeah, go ahead and do that, too. . .)

"Be sure to keep mayonnaise-based foods, such as potato salad, at a safe temperature to prevent food poisoning"?  Seriously?  (. . .Well, yes, I guess that's also important. . .)

"Stay hydrated" . . .?

*sigh*  Look, maybe we should just skip the guesses and cut to the chase.

Ahem.

On this day of beach and poolside revelry, above all else, you must remember to avoid ugly knitted or crocheted bikinis.

Like this one:

I can't imagine this style (especially the top) would be particularly flattering on any "body type", no matter how many magazine fluff pieces you might scour.  Pear or apple, boyish or bootylicious-- it's just not a good look.

Awwwwkward. . .

I've come across my share of awkward poses, but this has to be one of the worst:

Are they holding hands?   Entwining their arms?  Copping a feel?


Then there's the facial expression of the model on the left. . . Is it disgust?  Defiance?  Desire? 

. . . I feel so confused!

How Do You Like Your Eggs?

Aunt Lydia's Design Studio, your source for. . . creepy owl wall hangings. . .?

Can you imagine that terrifying thing hanging on your wall?  Even worse, you get the feeling that it may be intended for a child's room.  Though I suppose a yarny demonic owl might have its practical uses. . .

"Now, tell Mommy the truth, Betsy.  Did you take a cookie even though I told you to wait until after supper?  --And remember,  Mr. Owl is watching-- always watching.  There's nothing he hates more than dishonest children.  If you lie, he might come to life and peck your eyes out."

. . . Then there's the Humpty Dumpty Rug.  As if the Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme itself isn't horrifying enough. . .  ("Daddy, you mean they couldn't never put 'Umpty back together again?  Not never?"  "That's right, sonny.  Old Humpty's dead, just like you and everyone you've ever known will be, someday.") . . . Yes, as if that wasn't bad enough, they had to go and put a constant reminder of it in the kiddies' room! 

The Humpty rug is such a clever idea that you can find a variety of interpretations, such as this one, the Evil, Pig-Nosed Humpty:

Why is he a flesh colored circle instead of a white oval?  (Everyone knows Humpty's a egg, right?)  Why are there pompoms on his feet?  And why is he so very, very angry?

You can tell by the creepy smirk that he's busily dreaming up all sorts of wicked schemes. 

He's so awful to look at, yet that pathetic pink poodle can't tear its eyes away.   (Probably a wise move, Poodle.  I wouldn't turn my back on that one, if I were you.)

Aesthetics aside, those stuffed arms and legs seem designed for tripping up hapless visitors.  Just the sort of thing you want to leave lying around on the floor!

What the. . .?

Look, everyone!  It's a rare photo of Joulu-Nauha-Keijukainen-- the Finnish elf of Christmas ribbons!

As every Finnish child knows, she sneaks into homes around the holiday season, swiping the ribbon trimmings from unguarded gifts.  It is thought that she uses the ribbons to line her nest and to make wigs to cover her pitifully thin hair.  (Hey, not even an elf wants to wear a bee-stripe hood all the time!)

. . .Or maybe not.  But it's at least as plausible as the idea that real people ever wore such things.