Straight from the Rag Bag

This photo was in a publication featuring yarn-craft (crochet, I think)-- but otherwise, I'd never believe that anyone had gone to the trouble of making this top by hand... I mean, considering that it looks like something he dug out of the rag bag after learning (with disgust) that his mom/girlfriend/wife had attempted to remove the worst offenders from his wardrobe.

This is how gangsta beach bums with a penchant for crochet mesh often dress:

Those jumbo-sized gold chains (?) he's wearing underneath really make the outfit, don't you think?

"The Gay Life"

As far as the clothes themselves go, I don't have much to say.  The ruffled collar gives me pause, but we'll let it pass. 

What gives me a giggle here is the title ("The Gay Life") in conjunction with the model's pose and expression:

Oh yes, she looks like she's having so much fun, standing there with one hand on her hip, a drink in the other, and a brooding pout on her face...  Footloose and fancy-free!  Reveling in her gay, happy life!

Pretty (Scary) in Pink

These two ladies seem to be saying, "Yeah, sure.  You can dress me in pink all you want... I can counteract your sickly sweet, frou-frou, blushing pink crap just like that."

 
"See what I mean?"

It Sherpa Looks Odd to Me...

I continually run across this type of hat (which is apparently called a "sherpa hat") in my quest for Yarn Yuck.  I'm sure they're cozy and warm, what with the ear flaps and all... And the fuzzy yarn probably makes them soft...

But... but...
They look so silly!

Eh, well, to each her own tolerance level for the silly.
(It may too easy for me to judge, living in this humid subtropical climate zone...)

Make Yourself Comfortable

In order to get the most out of your models, you should do all you can to ensure that they are comfortable in the setting.  To prevent strains, muscle aches, and the moodiness that can result from physical discomfort, strive to pose them naturally.

Yeah, that's it, exactly. 

(Actually, based on the little I've seen of America's Next Top Model, none of that is true at all.  In fact, you should ask your models to contort themselves into bizarre poses in unusual settings.  The less comfortable they are, the better.  It builds character.)

If I Only Had a Brain!

This is what all the very most fashionable scarecrows are wearing this season:

What is that?  Burlap?  Yarny mesh?  Or (~shudder~) that stiff plastic canvas stuff?  Whatever it is, it is Wrong (and it looks uncomfortable).

Hippity-Hoppity

Whoa!  I'm having Men in Mesh Week flashbacks!

So tell me... what kind of woman is turned on by a dude in a meshy, sleeveless top decorated with a Playboy Bunny?  I guess it's the same kind of woman who likes a dude in those pants and that Playboy Bunny belt buckle...

(Sometimes, I tremble for the fate of the world.  Other times, I just snort in dismay and carry on with my life.)

Yikes.

Yeah... This makes me want to knit one of those sweaters:

The powder was so phat-- so gnarly-wicked-awesome-- that Rolfe experienced a temporary loss of sanity, threw back his head, and broke the breathless silence of the crisp, mountain air with a shout of unadulterated bliss.  (You really have to be a boarder to understand.)

Rib Ticklers

You know, crochet motifs are pretty versatile.  They come in so many variations, and they're usually so bright and colorful.  They are extremely accessible-- even to beginners-- and they can be created relatively quickly and combined to make almost anything.

...Even "Rib Ticklers".

Note that I said they can be used to make Rib Ticklers-- not that they should.  (But apparently they are unisex-- so convenient!-- and put men into a nuzzling frame of mind.  So they're not all bad.)

Fashion No-No

With the approach of winter, I've been scouring Ravelry's pattern database for attractive wrist-warmers, fingerless gloves, what-have-you.

Somehow, until now I've missed seeing these eyelash yarn, fun-furry thing-ums:

 ...You can run... You can hide... but eventually, the bad stuff has a way of finding you.

Cables Gone Wild

Cables are a tried and true element of knitting design.  It's probably difficult to find someone who finds cables objectionable (design-wise, that is)-- but this sweater just goes to show that people can go overboard with anything, even the respected, respectable cable:

Three wobbling, horizontal cables across the bust... one rogue cable running diagonally... cables down the sleeves!  (And don't even get me started on whatever the heck is going on with the shoulders.)

Boredom Buster

Dear Sweater Designers:

Please choose a design / decorative pattern / whatever and stick with it.  I know your creative genius is fickle and you can't be held down to a single design (or type of yarn, for that matter) for very long, but sometimes it's good to consider the overall look of a garment before abruptly changing course in mid-sweater. 

(Of course, some people probably love this mixed-up style.  At least you'll never look boring.)

The Itchy & Scratchy Wrap

I don't know...

That coverup looks like it was made out of those plastic faux-burlapesque bags that oranges are sold in at the supermarket.  ...Looks like it'd be scratchy...

Rags to Riches-- Er, or Maybe Not...

If you're like a lot of knitters and crocheters who've been "at it" for a while, you've probably accumulated a supply of leftover bits and bobs of yarn-- a scrap stash, if you will.  A project rarely requires exactly the amount of yarn in that last ball or skein.  We can't bear to waste the leftover yarn, so we keep it, even though it's usually not enough on its own to supply a whole new project and it's often impossible to buy more of that color or dye lot.  

So what's a knitter/crocheter to do?

Well, I'll tell you one thing-- it's not a valid excuse to make something like this:

Ugh.  It's made of loop fringe.
It looks like some ill-conceived rag rug... from a 1970s kitchen... that has been on the floor getting heavy use since the 1970s... and never once washed during that entire period.  (I.e. probably not the sort of thing you want to wear as a coat.)

Please, my fellow scrap hoarders.  There are better options available to us.  Keep looking!  Don't despair!  Don't cave in and make a rag rug coat!

Stick 'Em Up!

These aren't really Yuck (in my humble estimation), but they could still be good for a laugh, just for the sheer bizarreness of guns made in lacy crochet:

I don't know the story behind these beauties.  Were they meant as an anti-gun statement?  Pro-gun?  Or were they made just for the heck of it?

Ok.  I googled it (like a nice, responsible blogger) and learned a little more about the guns.  These are part of a piece called "A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do", created in 1998 by Inger Carina, a Swedish artists (who adds, "For the record:  I don't like guns").

Anyway, what a fun piece!

Cookie Potholder (???)

Making cute, food-themed potholders is easier than you think!

For example, to make a great "cookie" hot pad, just start with a creamy beige base and add scraps of whatever colors you have on hand to make the "chips":

The brown, I get.  Chocolate chips, right?  But what's up with the pink and swirly ones? 

...Wait. 

Are we sure this is a cookie?  Because I'm beginning to think it might be a patch of diseased, poxed skin... (Hrm.  Hope you didn't happen to be eating a chocolate chip cookie while reading this...)

Wardrobe FYI

In case you've been wondering what is appropriate apparel for all those times you ride (or lead) a burro...:

...It's a lot more feminine, lacy, and white than I would've expected, honestly.

Baby-in-a-Bag, the Sequel

"Ok, wiggle-worm smarty-pants... Let's see you wriggle your way out of this one..."

The best part is the little tassels on the corners of the bottom of the baby bag.  And the hoodie.  Can't forget the hoodie. 

Bare Facts

Pray tell...
Why is the baby wearing a bonnet and nothing else?

It was obviously just so whoever made this booklet could feel proud of him/herself for pairing a bare-bottomed baby with the title "The Bare Facts of Crochet... For Beginners". 

What sparkling wit.  

Well, either that or the rest of the baby's clothes would be too difficult for beginners to make, so crochet beginners' babies have to make do with bonnets and blankets. 

(Incidentally, please observe that the bonnet matches the blanket.  This is very important.  Babies require matching everything.)

Suggestive

Apparently these crochet mesh duds weren't trashy enough on their own...

They had to up the ante with a suggestive pose.
Well done!  It's miles trashier, now.

Mini-Me

There's just something odd about this page layout...

There is a time to use Photoshop to cut out a person from the background of the photo, but I think this was not one of them:

"Mini-Me and I both love our new hats!"

Wear Something Underneath: Bridal Edition

I'm torn...
On the one hand, there is some fairly exquisite thread crochet lace in this wedding gown...

...On the other hand...
It's your wedding day; do you really want everyone in the church to see your undies?

Please, ladies.  Leave a little something to the groom's (and everyone else's) imagination!

No Gender Confusion Here!

Ever since the day when that horrid woman in the grocery store had mistaken the bald-headed infant Madeleine for a baby boy, her parents had taken pains to prevent any future misunderstandings... 

Veg Head

Little Jimmy would never completely forgive his mother for making him wear the vegetable stalk hat.  I mean really!  What was the woman thinking?

The Good, The Bad, & the Weird

You may have noticed there was no Yarn Yuck yesterday.  (I hope none of you had a panic attack... I'd hate to have that on my conscience.)  To make up for that disappointment, I'm going to serve up something special today-- some fairly mindblowing (imho) Yuck.  So without further ado...

You know how in the classic Western, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly, Clint Eastwood's character wears a poncho and some sort of cowboy hat?  (Confession:  I've never actually watched the whole film, but hey, everyone has seen enough clips of it through the years to know what I'm talking about, right?)

Anyway, that's what this outfit reminds me of... only it's for girls, so it had to be the obligatory pink and lavender (with the not-so-obligatory yellow and black accents).  It's not exactly the colors that make this thing a fine specimen of Yarn Yuck, though... Not so much the color scheme as the... Well, take a look for yourself:

Isn't it stunning? 

Putting aside the multi-color, multi-design, fringed knitted shorts for a moment... check out the design on the poncho.  Designer, dear, where is this strange world where there are multiple suns shining in the sky?  What are the lavender posts to which the stick figures in boats are so desperately rowing?  Why are said posts spewing lines of lavender into the sky?  Most puzzling of all-- when you decided (or were asked) to design a poncho and shorts set for girls, how did you ever come up with this?

Goof Off

You know how some kids can't resist goofing off in front of the camera? 
Mugging, if you will? 
Hamming it up?

Yeah, well, some of us never really grow out of that...

"Doh-de-doh-de-doh...  I love playin' with my hoodie!  CHEESE!"

"Yee-haw!  I'm a-ridin' a buckin' broncho!  Giddy-up, little doggie!"

"Look, Ma!  No hands!  (Haw haw haw.)"

Real mature.

Hideaway

This outfit has a very special feature:  built-in identity protection!

So you're out on the town in this get-up when-- oh no!-- you spot someone you know!  Suddenly you realize that you can't bear to be caught dead (or alive) in this-- this thing!  There's nowhere to hide, no time to run.  Whaddyado?? 

Simple!  Just slip the handy built-in identity protection up over your face and your own mother could pass you in the street and never guess that a daughter of hers could have such poor fashion sense.  Fantastic!

Seriously, though: 

A. What is that thing?  Look at it in the smaller inset photo.  See the bunch of fabric hanging down the front?  See the huge hole in it?  I don't even know what this type of garment is called... Some type of cowl/head-covering with a turtleneck collar?

B. If it's cold enough that you need a whatever-it-is to keep your neck and head warm, why are you wearing a short-sleeved, high-hemmed dress to begin with?  It's just poor planning.

Birds of a Feather

Samantha welcomed Kristen into the Flock (as they called themselves)-- a bizarre clique of girls who broadcast their affiliation with the group by always wearing tops decorated with birds.  Swans, chickens, geese, parrots-- even Tweety or Big Bird would do in a pinch.  The specific type of bird didn't matter; it was only essential that a feathered creature of some description be worn at all times.  Failure to comply with this rule was punished with immediate and irrevocable expulsion from the Flock. 

Not a Hair Out of Place

It's just one disaster after another, with this photo:

Let's see...
There's the ugly chunk of black plastic on her arm... A sad attempt at a bracelet, or is it a piece of litter she found on the beach?

Then there are the excessive bobby-pins in her hair.  (Look, I know it can be windy on the beach, but at some point you've got to accept the possibility that your hair may move.)

However, it's unlikely that anyone will notice either of those lesser offenses, because, hello, HIDEOUS CROCHET SWIMSUIT.

Brown and orange... lots of holes in the fabric (one of the chief complaints against crochet swimwear)... a bottom half that is far from slimming... and then that pathetic strip connecting the top and bottom... It's just one bundle of gratuitous EWW.

(Or maybe that's what everyone's wearing to the beach these days.)

I Taut I Taw a Puddy Tat...

Only the manliest of men wear sweaters decorated with primitive/Cubist(?)-style puppies and kitties.

Dramaattinen!

According to Google Translate, that's Finnish for "dramatic", which seemed fitting for this photo, with the vintage cars, the black-tie attire, and the "Bond-- James Bond"-style facial expression on the guy in the background.

Yes, dramatic... and fuzzy.

(If you want to attract your very own Finnish version of 007, get yourself a puffy-sleeved fuzz-monster of a sweater.  Apparently they find it irresistible.)

Clown Couture

These are the kinds of things that lady clowns ogle through shop windows:

 

"...I know I really shouldn't.  Bozo already complains about how many clothes I buy.  He says I have more pairs of giant shoes than one person can possibly use in a lifetime-- and I've had to hide my collection of squeaky rubber noses from him to avoid another argument... But just look at those huge faux buttons!  And the random dimensional dots on the back!  Ooh, just think how jealous the other lady clowns will be!"

"High" Fashion

There's not much emphasis on the yarn in this one, but you'll not go starving for the yuck!

Sometimes (most times?) when you look at so-called high fashion, you can't help thinking that yes, someone must've been very "high" indeed to come up with such bizarre ideas. 

Ideas like tumbleweed hair:

Or ideas like scary eye makeup:

(Sheesh!  Don't her eyes look big enough as they are, without adding a half-inch of eyeliner??)

Or even ideas like... whatever the heck this is supposed to be:

(Hey, look!  There's yarn in that last one!  And what a poor use of it, too...)

Knitter's Pr0n...?

I guess knitters were supposed to like this pose because it involves balls of yarn...

Because, really, who doesn't love to knit (or... untangle a ball of yarn) while leaning against a dusty ladder in the corner of a structure that is either in the process of demolition or ought to be?  I don't know about you, but I can't get enough of pretending I'm in a horror movie, seconds from becoming the latest victim of the monster du jour. 

However-- who in the heck thought it was a good idea to toss those lovely balls of delicate yarn on the dusty, dirty floor?!?  SHOCKING.

Also... what's with the random scattering of dominoes...?  Like the scene wasn't quite weird enough without them...

(It's just one thing after another with this photo!)

What the. . .?

Welcome to "What the. . .?, the Cabaret Edition"!

...Some things are just wrong.

Cooperation

It's so important that we start early teaching our children the principles of negotiation and cooperation-- the benefits of teamwork--  don't you think?

She's Stylin'.

You can tell by the way a woman carries herself that she knows she's lookin' good:

Oh, yeah, girl.  Get down with your bad self! 

All that loopy fringe trim!  No wonder she's strutting.

Brr!

I almost feel sorry for her...

The MC Hammer balloon pants-- the tasseled belt-- the bare, probably chilly, sucked-in-for-the-camera tummy...

...But really, she brought this all upon herself.  Wear something underneath, lady!