Taking the Easy Way Out

"Easy Accessories":

A reminder that just because something is easy, that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. 

Maybe It's Just Me...

It's certainly possible that it's just me. . . but isn't this an awkward pose?  (I think it was half of a two-page spread, but still. . . )

The proximity of crotch to face here. . . It's just strange.   (Especially with the model's expression taken into consideration.)

Don't have anything bad to say about the sweater, though.

Amazing

This crochet coat is probably not the easiest thing to make.  All those colors and patterns.  It certainly looks complicated.  Lots of counting involved, I'd imagine.  Reading detailed charts, maybe. 

And yet. . . After all that toil and trouble, you end up looking like you wandered off the set of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat:

. . . Which, strangely, is probably not a look that most of us want.

Cosmetic Flaws

High fashion. . .  I just don't get it.

Even when the clothes themselves look like something someone living in on Earth as we know it might conceivably be interested in wearing (to any event other than a costume party), they have to do something crazy with the model's hair, accessories, or-- as in this case-- makeup.

Most of us try to avoid the unibrow (a.k.a. monobrow) look, but if you should decide to go the other direction, today's models can serve as inspiration:

 This seems like another example of trying to distract the eye from the knitting.

"Do NOT look at the knitwear.  Look anywhere but at the knitwear.  Here-- here's some crazy makeup for you to gawk at instead."

Fringe Theory

I have a theory.  It goes a little something like this:

A crocheter's or a knitter's level of skill is inversely proportional to the likelihood of his/her knitting or crocheting a garment composed almost entirely of fringe.

Fringe has the benefit of hiding any number of flaws, which can be alluring to a beginner.  But then there's the downside of fringe-based clothing-- namely, that you usually end up looking something like this:

Fringe.  In its place, it's a thoroughly acceptable way to add a little pizazz to your knitting or crochet project.  You could even say that it's a time-honored tradition.  However, if you don't exercise a little restraint, your hard work might end up resembling the shaggy pelt of an abominable snowman.

Mustachioed Male Models

I always say* there's nothing like a good mustache. . .

. . . and those two specimen are nothing like a good mustache.  (Heheheh.  Sorry 'bout that.)

You have to wonder how this ever came to be.  Did they decide that the sweaters themselves (and the khaki slacks they were paired with) were just too boring on their own?  Even so, whose idea was it to spice things up with cigars and two anachronistic mustaches?  We'll probably never know. . .

*Okay, you got me.  I never say that. 

Fun Fur Trim

Now I know what (not) to do with all that novelty yarn I bought on extreme clearance (before I learned that it's not nearly as useful and versatile as plain old regular yarn):

Well, at least it's original.   You have to give the designer that much credit, right?

On the other hand, what in the heck was s/he thinking??  This thing is all over the place.  There are two different styles of crochet lace. . . sleeves that are half muppet pelt, half lace wristlets/cuffs. . . a bizarre lace-up bodice with ruffles on either side of the lace-up gap. . . and then even more fun fur trim-- and all in colors that I would've loved as an eight-year-old, but probably not much later in life than that.

Also, you gotta love how they have the same piece modeled twice by two different models.   Perhaps it's to show you how the top looks on a brunette and a brunette with blond highlights?

Umm. . .

'Scuse me, ma'am, but. . .

. . . I think one of your, erm, strategically placed pom-poms has come loose. . .

Ha Ha, Hee Hee!

She laughs-- oh, yes.  She laughs. . .

. . . but only to hide the pain.

(Trust me, she's in pain.  Well, wouldn't you be, if you had to wear that, that thing?  But at least they gave her a dress to wear underneath it.  It could have been so, so much worse!)

Woe is She!

I think this model is depressed because of the giganto (like "gigantic", only bigger) armholes in the turtleneck sweater she's modeling:

. . . And honestly, I can't say that I blame her.

The Suspense is Killing Me!

These models in the matching crochet vests look awfully concerned, don't they?

While the vests probably aren't the very most beautiful pieces of hook-work I've ever seen, I still don't think they need to be quite this paranoid about being seen in them. . .

It's almost as through they know there's a raving maniac lurking somewhere in the vicinity.  They've got to keep their cool for the photo shoot, because times are tough and they need the money, but they're gonna keeps their eyes peeled and be prepared to make a run for it at the first sign of trouble.

. . . Or maybe they're like a version of "Charlie's Angels", but their "Charlie" requires they wear matching crocheted vests.  A uniform of sorts.  And we just happened to find them at a very tense moment. . . Debra has been taken hostage, so Sandy and Margot have agreed to meet her captors in the park. . . Darn their matching pink crocheted vests!  They stick out like sore thumbs in these things!


. . .Yeah, well, that's all I've got.  Take your pick.

Fierce!

I have to make a confession:  I don't really know what "fierce" (as the word is supposedly used in the modeling world) really means.  Oh sure, I've seen a little Next Top Model, but I must confess that I can't always see a whole lot of difference between the "good" photos and the "bad".  Same goes for the reality shows about singing, dancing and what-have-you.  (Those rare times when I actually watch a little of the show,) I have a hard time guessing which performances the judges are going to be wowed by and which they'll dismiss as nothing special. 

Still, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that this strikes me as a knit/crochet model's version of a moderately "fierce" expression:

. . . And goodness knows she needs it, when they put her in such a ridiculous-looking hat.

Poor thing!

Fun for the "Almost Teens"

"Fashions and Fun for the "Almost Teens"!

Look at them, those "almost teens"!  They're having so much wholesome fun.  Almost makes you wish you were an "almost teen" again, yourself, doesn't it?  (Ok, not really.  There's actually not enough yarn in the world to make that sound tempting, but for the sake of the entry, we pretend. . .)

Tra-la-la!

Oh, to be an "almost teen"!  To have cozy sleep-over slumber parties with your besties!

(Funny thing, though.  None of my friends knitted, back when I was an "almost teen".  Possibly that's because it was the late 80s/early 90s, and knitting wasn't quite cool again, yet.  I wonder if even "almost teens" of the 60s and 70s truly ever knitted at sleep-overs.)

I love how this girl is leaning back with her arms folded behind her head. . . and yet there's nothing there for her to be leaning against, except for the fairly uncomfortable-looking edge of a coffee table.

. . . Meanwhile, a yarn octopus lion with braided tentacles legs perches on a side table and listens to their schoolgirl prattle, disapproval in every feature. . .

Do You See What I See?

I'm not quite sure what the "picture" on this sweater is meant to be. . .

Perhaps a Cubist-style representation of a dog?

. . . Or a lopsided vase that has sprouted ears or antennae?

Any other guesses?  (It's like finding pictures in the clouds!  Or maybe it's a yarny version of a Rorschach test. . .)

"Crocheted Rag Vest"

When you find yourself designing, making, or (heaven forbid) wearing something with the word "rag" in its name, it's really time to stop and reconsider for a moment, don't you think?*

I mean. . . It's a rag.  Rags are generally considered to be past the wearing stage.  That's what makes them rags.  They're clothing and other fabric goods that have done their Duty, fulfilled their purpose in life, and gone on to their reward-- the rag bag, where they wait in peaceful mustiness for whatever lies Beyond.  Digging them out again-- reincarnating them into new clothes-- it's just wrong, like desecrating a cemetery. . . or something.

Ok, ok, so perhaps this vest wasn't made from actual rags.  It still looks awfully raggedy.

I only caught glimpses of the Beauty and the Beast TV series from the late 80s, but this is the type of thing I seem to recall the tunnel dwellers wearing.  Even though Tunnelopolis (Tunnelville?  Tunnelton?  Aw, whatever...) was supposed to be a utopian society in the series, I don't really want to look like someone who lives in a subterranean community hidden somewhere beneath NYC.  But that's just me.

*Obviously, this does not apply to rag quilts, which are indisputably charming.

"Wheee! I'm Wearing Crochet Pants!"

The model in this photo looks so ecstatic-- so full of joie de vivre! 

. . . Which is amazing, given what she's wearing:

The crocheted tunic (with pineapple lace insets!) I might be persuaded to understand.  It's not my favorite style, but to each her own.  Over a pair of nice jeans or a pretty skirt-- yes, that could look alright.  However, I have less sympathy when it's worn with matching crocheted bell-bottoms (and platform shoes, no less).  And it's all white.  Somehow, white crocheted pants seem worse than almost any other color. . . (Not sure why, though.)

So, considering the whole ensemble, we can safely assume that Ms. Model's evident exuberence is the result of consuming a little too much rum on her Carribbean vaca. 

In an Ideal (1960s) World

This is probably only funny to me. . .

I mean, I'm fairly sure that some people somewhere actually do this-- set up chairs and a table of drinks out in a foot or so of water. . .

. . . but it still strikes me as funny.  Out of all the possible settings and poses available to them, they chose this for the cover of their booklet.  (Yep.  Sure makes me want to knit.)

"Oh, Honey, won't you go out and tell Bobby not to splash around so much?  I don't want him getting water in his ears again.  I would go myself, but well, you're the Man.  Besides, I don't want to ruin my dress in all this icky wetness. . ."

"Sure thing, Sweetie.  Just let me finish my cigarette first.  (That's right, folks, it's the 1960s and there are few things I enjoy more than a nice, guilt-free smoke.)"

"Thanks, Darling.  By the way, are those bottles of Coca-Cola-- the Real Thing-- ice-cold yet?"

"Almost, Sugar-Bear.  Almost."

Drat!

Darn it! 

I've somehow managed to snag my skirt on something, and now there are all these holes in it!!

How Dreadful!

Look, it's pretty simple:  Either you make the commitment to dreadlocks as a hairstyle (or is it a lifestyle. . .?) or you find a way to live without them.

You most certainly can't have it both ways. 
(That just looks ridiculous.)

(Sometimes I feel almost guilty for making fun of things-- particularly hats.  It's just too easy.)
 

Flying Squirrel Sheath

At least they had the decency to give her something substantial to wear underneath. . .

But oh my.  (And ick.) 

I think I'll pass on the flying squirrel-style flaps under the arms, thanks so much.

Yee-Haw

For those times when you want to look like a stereotypical hick-- you know, squint-eyed, wearing a raggedy hat, dirt on your knees, and a piece of straw clutched between your teeth-- you might want to consider making and wearing this sweater:

Or at least that must be the impression the person who set up this photo wanted to create.

Sad Birthday

Sometimes you have to wonder what led to certain sets and props in a fashion photo shoot.  Were they trying to tell a story?  Or did they just throw together whatever the heck they could lay hands on at the last minute?

Like the photo below. . .  It strikes me as either (A) a random mishmash of imagery or (B) a very sad birthday scene:

Dominique smiled painfully through the welling tears as he clutched the phone, savoring the last few seconds of the call.  At least he'd had the sound of her voice-- her sweet, sweet voice.  He swore in his heart that next year he would be with her, no longer held captive in this dilapedated (not to mention rather depressing) perch above the rocky shoreline, like some tragic Tweety Bird in a cabled sweater and slacks.   Happy birthday to me, he thought grimly before blowing out the candles. . .

Stegosaurus Hat

When you read this entry's title, you probably pictured one of those goofy-looking hats we so often make children wear.  You know, one of those animal-themed hats that look like a chicken is roosting on Tommy's head or a shark is in the process of munching little Cindy. 

But nope.  This is a hat for adults:

A hat for adults that just happens to be decorated with fins (or is the technical word here "plates"?) across the front.

Very elegant. 

(Note:  This piece is also known, among some circles, as the Lisa Simpson Hair Hat.)

Naughty or Nice?

Today's outfit feels like a bizarre mixture of vintage innocence and, well, modern sleaze. 

The lacy fabric-- the collar-- the mesh cap with the flowers on one side-- even the model's pose and hairstyle.  All seem to epitomize that certain dainty femininity of an era long past.  And yet.  You can see the woman's bra. 

It's almost as though they simply forgot a critical part of her wardrobe-- left out the silk camisole that she was supposed to have worn underneath the mesh top. 

"Oopsie!  Why, I'm wearing nothing underneath this see-through top!  Dear me, how embarrassing!"

Sci-Fi Fashion

Here's another one that feels like it'd be right at home on the set of some sci-fi program-- probably worn by one of the alluring locals on some newly-discovered Class M planet.  (What?  You already knew I've seen my share of Trek.  We established that with the sci-fi hat-scarf entry, did we not?)

That cowl neckline is slightly out of control. 

Now, this one may be just another instance of personal prejudices getting in the way.  You see, I have an issue with cowls and cowl necklines.  I don't have a problem with the idea of a cowl.  They even seem fairly cozy.  But I can't picture myself wearing one comfortably-- can't get past the feeling that they look ridiculous.  Especially when they're this big.  I mean, really, how often are you going to wear the cowl over your head like this?  It would have to be pretty cold and/or windy to induce me to pull that flap of fabric over my head. . . You?

That's So Meta!

Ohmygosh.

A sweater that's decorated with sweaters?

I think you just blew my mind.

(Ok, this is kind of funny/cute/something, but I can't see many adults wearing it.)

The Accessory Makes the Outfit

The ridiculous part of this photo is not the part made of yarn.  (Not in my opinion, anyway.  See below.)

Nope, the oddity comes from the fact that someone thought that the perfect accessory for these fairly elegant, subtle clothes (none of which happen to be blue, as you'll kindly note) would be. . . a translucent blue sun visor:

. . . Yeah, I must've missed that trend.  (Can't say that I mind, either.)

Nice use of a doily as a shirt, by the way.  No, seriously, I actually like this.  Note that there is an actual opaque top under the lacy crocheted fabric.  Makes all the difference in the world.

Sure Beats a Collar

Just what every dog needs-- a (faux) necktie:

Because without it, there's no way he's ever going to make Alpha Dog, right? 

The tie demands respect.

PLEASE Wear Something Underneath!

Warning: 
Today's photos may not be safe for work, and you probably don't want your little kids to see it, either.  Otherwise, brace yourself and scroll down. . .







Keep going. . .
 





(But keep in mind, it's not too late to turn back.  No-one will think less of you for it.)








Almost there. . .





Aaaaaannnd, here it is:

. . . I mean, seriously.  

I don't care if you modeled for Playboy; there are still some lines you just don't cross.  Those lines were back about a mile before you bought and wore this thing in a public place. 

. . . And if you find that you simply can't live without crochet mesh dresses (with nothing substantial underneath them), please at least avoid wearing them when you're out with your young daughter.  

Horrifying.

What a Poser!

This is another of those poses that, while fairly common in the world of glossy photos, one hardly ever encounters in everyday life:

. . . The longer I look at this type of pose (and it's hard not to, in this particular layout, what with the three brilliant examples), the more ridiculous it seems.  Can you imagine seeing someone walking down the street like this?  Or even someone just standing in line at the grocery store in this pose?  Craaaa-zy!

Knitted No-No

According to my copy of The Know-It-All's Guide to the World, knitted pants are a knitted no-no.

I don't care that they have cool cables running down the sides of the legs.

I don't care that they match your knitted sweater perfectly.

I don't care that you're a grown woman who wears her hair in pigtails* and carries around a balloon for no apparent reason.

Just don't do it.

. . .Well, unless you really want to, of course.  No-one can stop you but yourself.  But don't come crying to me when people stare.  (The world can be so cruel. . .)

*It has come to my attention that in some regions of the English-speaking world, "pigtails" refers to two braids of hair (Pippi Longstocking-style hairdo).  Apparently they call this style "bunches" or "angel wings".  Huh.  You learn somethin' new every day.  (Whether you like it or not.)

Dear Crocheters Around the World:

Please repeat after me:

A doily is not a shirt.

It's just something I thought you might benefit from knowing.

It might help you avoid awkward situations-- you know, like being ogled by random men on the street, hearing people snickering behind your back, being ostracized from society-- that kind of thing.

P.S.  This would make a perfectly acceptable and even quite cute apron.  Just don't wear it as a shirt (especially with hardly anything underneath) and expect to be treated as a normal, competent adult.

"You Disgust Me."

I could be imagining things here. . .

. . . but it certainly looks like she can't mask her incredibly powerful feeling of disgust, even if it is her responsibility as The Model to make the knitwear look appealing. 

Or maybe she just caught a whiff from a nearby sewage management facility right before the photographer took the photo.

Creepy Crochet Kids

Don't deny it.

They creep you out, too, don't they?

What with the matching outfits (especially the one with bell-bottoms*) and the (rose-adorned) guitar, I also get the impression that they're like a smaller-scale, more folksy, soulful version of the Brady Bunch Group (whatever they called themselves).

*Ah yes, the crocheted bell-bottoms.  (You didn't think those escaped my ever-scrutinizing eye, did you?  Oh ye of little faith!)  Is it just me, or doesn't it look like the only reason they're staying up is that they're being held up?  Might explain why the girl in the skirt is holding the guitar.  The bell-bottomed girl has to content herself with vocals, leaving both hands free to avoid a major "wardrobe malfunction".