Here Comes the Bride

Let me preface this post by saying that there are some lovely knit and crochet wedding gowns and accessories out there. (And there are even more with knit or crochet accents.)

However, there are also things like this:

(the dreaded Doily Hat)

Ok, I'll admit that the actual crochet on this dress isn't bad.  It's pretty, even.  But this dress suffers from too many design elements and too many different fabrics (in my humble opinion).  That awkward joint between the silk/satin and the crochet-- the row of pink flowers (???)-- and then all that pink gauze. . . Oh yeah, and that reminds me-- it's so pink.

Yes, knit and crochet wedding gowns can be tricky.  If you aren't careful, you might end up looking like a Barbie doll smothered in crochet lace. . .

Check out this "Blushing Bride":

Oh, she's not blushing.  She's flushed from the strain of dragging that ridiculous gown down the aisle.  (And yes, I fully recognize the fact that as a preteen, I probably would have loved the idea of a dress like that.  I mean, she's even wearing a crown!)

Of course, it's also possible to go too far in the other direction, as these wedding fashions of previous generations illustrate. . .

The Puritanical plainness. . . The kooky headgear (on the first two, at least). . . The holey (not to be mistaken for "holy") fabric. . .

It's enough to give any bride cold feet!

And then we have some more recent yarny offerings from the world of haute couture:

(You say "high fashion", I say "um, okay. . .")

(Alright.  I confess.  I kind of like that weird pink loopy frock a few photos up, but I can't imagine wearing it for a wedding gown.  It's more appropriate for a midnight masquerade or an upscale Halloween party.)

A Case of the Munchies

Though they don't focus entirely on yarn, there's a fair bit of crochet and knit in the archives over at The Fashion Police, which is where I found this very. . . unique dress fashioned after a hamburger.  (Well, technically, I guess it's a cheeseburger. . .)

The same designer behind the cheeseburger dress, Joy Kampia O'Shell, has also created other unusual food-themed items for wear, including this donut necklace:

Crocheted junk food to wear?  Who am I to judge?

(Especially since I may or may not sell food-themed jewelry online. . .)

SPCA Public Service Announcement

No, no, not that SPCA. 

We're talking Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Appliances here.

Good sir or madam, please put yourself into the, er, shoes of your typical household appliance-- just for a moment-- won't you?

Just imagine:  You spend every moment waiting to be of service to the people of your house, and what is the thanks you get?  Nothing.  They hardly even notice you until something eventually goes wrong.  And when it does go wrong, well, these days you can count on it that 9 times out of 10, you'll end up at the dump.  Nobody repairs things, nowadays.  It's cheaper to replace.

I tell you, it's a sad, sad existence.

Well, it's time we did something about it!
And it can all start with the simplest gesture of kindness!

Friends, why not crochet your appliance a scarf? 

Televisions, radios-- even your refrigerator-- they all need to know that they're appreciated.  (So what if no-one will ever see your hard work up there on top of the fridge?  You and the fridge will know it's there.)

Yes, your appliances will stay warm and cozy with one of these hand-crocheted scarves (or "scarfs")! (And while you're at it, don't forget your furniture-- coffee tables and chests of drawers have feelings, too, you know!)

Let this be a lesson to you all.  (Keep the machines happy.)

Someone Bring the Pruning Shears

I'll be the first to admit that, as an afghan-doily-crocheter-type person, I have a thing for motifs.  I tend to collect them-- even hoard them away like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter.  I'll probably never get around to crocheting all the motifs I have squirreled away, but that's not the point.  The point is that when I see a new one, I must have it for my collection.  (It may be a sickness.  The test results aren't in, yet. . .)

Still, even a motif-lover such as myself knows that there are lines that shouldn't be crossed.  There is such a thing as too much-- especially when it comes to sweaters overgrown with poofy, three-dimensional motifs. 

It looks like someone planted a crochet rose bush, then neglected to prune it for twenty years, resulting in a mishmash of yarn that threatens to eat this poor woman alive.

Again, I generally like floral, dimensional motifs-- but this. . . Ick.

(Also:  How much extra weight do you reckon all those flowers add to the sweater?)

Ladies and Gentlemen (en en en). . .

. . . please allow me to present to you (ou ou ou*) . . .

. . . the proud recipient of this year's Dorkiest Man Award!

(wild cheering and whistling, ladies fanning themselves and swooning)

(See?  He's holding the trophy and everything!)

* What?  There's obviously a bit of an echo in this huge stadium. 

This Little Piggy Went to Market, This Little Piggy Stayed Home. . .

I was browsing the latest Kint Picks catalog to come in the mail, a week or two ago. 

(This is neither here nor there, but that catalog was a case of knitting, knitting everywhere, and not a hook in sight.  I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised.  After all, the name isn't Crochet Picks.  But still!  Oh, the trials and tribulations of a crocheter in this knit-centric world!)

So, as I was saying, I was browsing the catalog.  Lots of socks in this one.  Here a sock, there a sock, ev'rywhere a knit sock.  Some of them were awfully pretty, I must admit.  Especially those knee-high ones.   Almost makes you want to learn to knit.  (Almost.) 

Socks are so useful-- so serviceable.  Even the fancy knee-high type, and the ones with intricate colorwork or cabling.  You can always justify it because socks are, well, socks.  You need them.  Everyone needs socks, except maybe for tropical beach-dwellers, and they don't count (particularly after this long winter, they definitely don't count). 

You are confident in your ability to excuse that stash of sock yarn-- until you find these:

Toeless socks?

(On the covers of two books?  Is there some sort of toeless sock fad going on?  Kind of like all the teen girls running around town in pajama bottoms?) 

I just don't get this.  At all.

They're like fingerless gloves, only totally useless.  I mean, of the whole foot, the toes need covering the most, don't they?  Aren't they the parts most prone to getting cold?  I suppose you could say the same of fingers in the case of fingerless gloves, but considering how much we use our fingers, at least fingerless gloves make some logical sense, but few of us need our toes to be uncovered so that we can use them to perform various and sundry tasks.

And so to reiterate, I just don't get it.

Am I missing something here?

Not Pictured

Wouldn't you know it? 

The day after I start up this new blog-- when I'm all gung-ho and practically bursting at the seams with "let me at 'em"-- that's the day that Picasa, Blogger's photo-storage partner, has a major freak-out and refuses to show any photos. 

This should be sorted out soon (I hope).

Cuddly Cacti?

Ok, strictly speaking, this isn't "yarn yuck"-- or at least not in my estimation.  (This kind of thing will happen from time to time.  Please bear with me. . .)

Still, there is something funny about a crochet cactus, isn't there?  (Of course, in this case, the humor is intentional.  That's ok.  I take my humor where I can find it, intended or not.)

I mean, cacti are known for being sharp and prickly, yet here they are in yarn, all cuddly-soft and, frankly, adorable, with decorative beads and stitches in contrasting colors.

Though I do have a fondness for non-prickled succulents, these are the only cacti I can imagine ever having in my home.  (I'm kind of afraid of the sharp ones.  Ick.)

. . . Picture a larger crocheted cactus for that sunny corner of the kitchen. . . Or an elaborate one for a table centerpiece. . . Definitely a conversation-starter.  (Well, unless it creates an awkward silence as your dinner guests wonder whether or not to laugh.)

My Next Crochet Project

I think I've figured out my next crochet project!  I can hardly wait to begin!!  

Now, which lucky person on my Christmas gift list is going to get this little gem. . .?

Isn't that just incredible?

What were you supposed to do with this "Giant Floor Ball"?  (No, seriously, that's what it's called.  Look closely at the bottom right-hand corner.)  Is it for sitting on?  Decoration only?  Could it be a toy for the children?  Or is it strictly for leaning against, as the model demonstrates?  Don't you just love the look on her face?  There's nowhere she'd rather be than cozied up with her Giant Floor Ball.  It's her favorite place for romantic daydreams.  (Maybe this woman just has odd taste in home decor.  See that figurine on the table behind her?  Well, it's not my taste, at least...)

There are more yarn atrocities from the same source (a book) on this page.   

Not everything should be crocheted...

Or knitted, for that matter.

Here's another one for the "What were they thinking?" file-- a 70's crocheted (granny squre) men's neck tie.

I feel so sorry for any poor sons, grandsons or husbands who might have been subjected to this hideous idea.  What must they have suffered? 

Crochet Your Way to a Romance

So I've been up since the middle of the night, thanks to some back pain, and I found myself in front of the computer, trying to take my mind off the discomfort.  What better time to browse some free crochet patterns, right?  (I've found so many things I'd like to try!  If I ever do them all, I'll be buried under a mountain of crochet-- swimming through an ocean of afghans, throws, scarves, wraps, and doilies.  That sounds kind of fun, actually. . .)

Anyway, after looking through a certain number of patterns from the same company, you start to recognize the models.  One in particular stood out to me this morning-- a blond, blue-eyed Ms. Crochet Model.  As I found her in pattern after pattern, a story began to emerge (with a little help from my sleep-deprived brain). . .

Ms. Crochet Model led a lonely life.
Sure, she could crochet a mean afghan. . .

. . . (better make that several afghans [of varying temperaments]). . .

. . . but how many afghans does one person really need, anyway?  (Don't answer that question.  I'm currently pretending that there is a limitless need for afghans.  Otherwise, I'll never get to use all the patterns I've just downloaded.)

Ms. Crochet  Model did her best to mask her loneliness.  However, sometimes she tried a little too hard. . .

"See how happy I am with my crochet throws?  See how I smile?  Constantly?  That's because I'm happy.  Just me and my crochet afghans, lapghans, and throws. . . La la la. . . So very, very, incredibly happy. . . Really."

She thought for a while that she could fill the gaping holes in her life with crochet-- and she made an admirable attempt at it-- but deep down inside, she knew there was something missing.  She knew that she needed someone to appreciate her crochet-- someone to sit and watch her crochet for hours at a time.

Fortunately, Ms. Crochet Model also knew that, contrary to some bizarre myths regarding their stomachs, the way to a man's heart is actually through crochet.

Crochet Snuggies, to be precise. . .

Poor fella.  He never had a chance.
Before he knew what hit him, she had ensnared him in her cuddly web of crochet.

(What do you imagine he's saying on the phone in the photo above?  Maybe something like this:  "Bro, you wouldn't believe this girl I met!  I mean, sure, she's blond, blue-eyed and model-attractive-- with a blinding smile-- but you haven't heard the best part yet!  She can crochet like nobody's business!  I-- Now, I don't want to get ahead of myself or anything, but. . . I think she might be The One. . .")


Now that she's snagged herself a man, Ms. Crochet Model's life is so much more fulfilling.  Her crochet has a purpose-- she has to keep Crochet Model Dude warm and cozy.

(See how happy they look together?)

"No-one makes an afghan like my lady makes an afghan!"
"That's right, baby." 

What?  You don't believe that you can crochet your way to romantic happiness?

I'm telling you, I've spent nearly the whole night looking at patterns, and I'm here to say that it totally works. 

(For those of you who want a more empowered "don't-need-a-man-to-be-fulfilled" female in your crochet model fantasies. . . Sorry, but you really shouldn't take silly blog entries so seriously.  ;o))

P.S. The patterns featured in the photos above are available for free from Coats & Clark.  And that's including the awesome crochet Snuggie. (g)

P.P.S.  Do my bleary eyes deceive me, or is the man in the last photo (on the right) the same as the one with Ms. Crochet Model??  Why, that dirty, two-timing double-crosser!  (Or something. . .)

NOTE:  As you may have gathered, the joke here wasn't the crocheted items themselves (well, except for that abomination, the crocheted snuggie), but rather the repetitive use of that same model (and the goofy posing of the happy couples.  I actually quite like some of those afghans.

(Now you know another of my dirty little secrets:  I not only like doilies, but afghans, too.  And yet I really am not an 89-year-old woman.  --Not that there's anything wrong with being an 89-year-old woman, of course.  . . . It's just that I'm not one. . .)