Acid/Neon Green

Between the color and the meshy, "wear-something-underneathness" of the fabric, I am horrified. 

And that doesn't even take into consideration the "lace-up" aspect. 

Yuck.

Freeform Swimsuit

You can find photos of some really amazing, elaborate freeform Irish crochet out there, but sometimes freeform just goes horribly awry...

Inspiring Bikini-Vest Combo

Ooh, where to start?

• Love the use of variegated yarn, here.  It's inspiring.
• That vest is to die for.  A bikini just looks ridiculous without a matching vest, honestly. 
• It looks like the model may be so thin that she has to hold the bikini bottoms up to keep them from falling right off.

À La Piscine

Out of all the gorgeous knitted and crocheted swimwear you've seen here on YarnYuck, you still haven't found just the right one for you?  (Picky, picky.)  Well, how about one of these? 

The little number in the back, which I think of as "X Marks the Spot", at least isn't the worst we've seen, not that that's much of a recommendation... But as for the other one, it's awful, but I'm not sure what to call it.  Suggestions?

Not-So-Concealed Carry

These days, women need to be able to protect themselves.  There are some real sickos out there, you know.  No wonder, then, that many women obtain a permit to carry a concealed weapon. 

Most of the time, you can keep that pistol (or what have you) stashed in your bag or wear it under your clothes.  However, what's a girl to do when she's headed to the beach?  There's nowhere to stow her gun in a typical swimsuit, but she doesn't want to sacrifice her sense of style for safety...

It used to be a real problem-- but no more!  Not with the crocheted bikini holster!  Your firearm will stay nestled close against your midriff, always within easy reach!

And it's so becoming, too!

"Go ahead.  Make my day."

(So you don't think it really looks that much like a holster, huh?  Well, what is the purpose of that strange flap, then, smartypants?  Huh? Huh?)

Hideous

It's not often I go so far as to call something hideous (on this blog, at least), but for this monstrosity, I'll make an exception:

Ick-ick-ick!

And to think that someone went to the trouble of designing that thing!  It boggles the mind.

Flower Power

If the average bikini doesn't do enough to focus attention on your bosom, just slap on a couple of daisy motifs to really draw the eye:

A Day on the Water

I believe these are meant to be swimwear. 

Is it just me, or does the bottom piece look like it would be very heavy and baggy when wet?  Seems like you might lose them int he water... and (apart from the immediate, embarrassing problem of having no bikini bottom for the rest of the day) that might not be such a bad thing.

Brains!

Alluring zombie bikini model:

 ...in a crocheted bikini.

Bathing Beauty

Here's one for those of you dreaming of warmer days-- a swimsuit photo!

In its favor, it seems to actually cover up the parts that swimsuits are designed to cover. 

On the other side of the coin... it has "jewels" incorporated into the fabric... and there are pointless dangly bits hanging from the top.  (Seriously, what are those things?)

Swimsuit Coverup FAIL

Sheesh, lady!

#1:  A swimsuit coverup is generally worn over a swimsuit... including the top half.

#2:  The point of a coverup is to cover something up.

#3:  If you find yourself about to burst the darn thing open, consider going up a size or two. 

Mmkay?

Not a Hair Out of Place

It's just one disaster after another, with this photo:

Let's see...
There's the ugly chunk of black plastic on her arm... A sad attempt at a bracelet, or is it a piece of litter she found on the beach?

Then there are the excessive bobby-pins in her hair.  (Look, I know it can be windy on the beach, but at some point you've got to accept the possibility that your hair may move.)

However, it's unlikely that anyone will notice either of those lesser offenses, because, hello, HIDEOUS CROCHET SWIMSUIT.

Brown and orange... lots of holes in the fabric (one of the chief complaints against crochet swimwear)... a bottom half that is far from slimming... and then that pathetic strip connecting the top and bottom... It's just one bundle of gratuitous EWW.

(Or maybe that's what everyone's wearing to the beach these days.)

Extreme

Warning!  Warning! 

Prude Alert!  Prude Alert!

People with small children, bossy bosses, or weak stomachs-- as well as those with heart conditions and pregnant women (??)-- should exercise caution. 

Today's Yarn Yuck photo may not be appropriate for all audiences. 

(There.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

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This, friends, is an extreme case of "wear something underneath":

It was obviously taken at a fashion show, and for whatever reason, it seems that almost anything goes on the runway.  (I suppose we should just be thankful for "the Brazilian", if you know what I mean...)

A few further words to the crocheters among us: 
The power of the pineapple is strong-- very strong-- and so it is all the more necessary that we wield that power wisely.  This... was unwise.

Hideous

I know I've poked fun at knitted and crocheted swimsuits before.  (I just can't seem to take them seriously.)  However, this one is a special kind of awful. 

Feast your eyes-- then dare try to tell me this isn't absolutely hideous:

The bottom-- unsettlingly like boy's briefs (from some horrifying alternative universe where boy's briefs are knitted). 

The top-- unspeakable. 

The whole thing looks like what you might get if you gave MacGyver* MacGruber a child's knitted sweater and a naked model and told him the fate of the world depended on his ability to dress her for the beach in under three minutes.

*I had to scratch out MacGyver's name there, because I think we all know that he could've come up with something better than this. 

A Word of Warning

On this Fourth of July (howdy, my fellow Americans!), there is one thing that it is crucial that you should remember.

No, it's nothing to do with wearing sunscreen. (Though, yes, that's always a good idea. . . )

Nope.  Nothing about fireworks safety. (Though, again, that's something to take seriously. . . )

Keep in mind the meaning of the day-- the value of freedom-- etc., etc.?  No, no-- not that.  (But yeah, go ahead and do that, too. . .)

"Be sure to keep mayonnaise-based foods, such as potato salad, at a safe temperature to prevent food poisoning"?  Seriously?  (. . .Well, yes, I guess that's also important. . .)

"Stay hydrated" . . .?

*sigh*  Look, maybe we should just skip the guesses and cut to the chase.

Ahem.

On this day of beach and poolside revelry, above all else, you must remember to avoid ugly knitted or crocheted bikinis.

Like this one:

I can't imagine this style (especially the top) would be particularly flattering on any "body type", no matter how many magazine fluff pieces you might scour.  Pear or apple, boyish or bootylicious-- it's just not a good look.

"What the. . ."

This "what the" is a fairly small photo, which makes it difficult to make out some of the details, and honestly, I think we all ought to be thankful for that fact.

I'm marking this as "swimwear", though to tell the truth, I'm not 100% sure it's meant to be swum in.   (Wear this in public-- in the bright light of day-- poolside or at the beach?  Seriously?)

But what else could it be?

Something for the bedroom, perhaps. . . though I pity the poor man who's expected to keep a straight face when his lady saunters in wearing a daffodil bikini.  ("Let's just switch the lights off first, shall we, Sweetums?")

Does Not Compute

Hey, a word to the wise. . .

. . . If it's cold enough for a scarf, you might want to consider wearing more than a (hideous, knitted) bikini top.