Acid/Neon Green

Between the color and the meshy, "wear-something-underneathness" of the fabric, I am horrified. 

And that doesn't even take into consideration the "lace-up" aspect. 

Yuck.

Granny Sheath

There should be a law against this sort of thing...
Where are the Fashion Police when you really need them?

Credit Where Due

In the spirit of giving credit when it's due, at least the designer had the decency to make the fabric solid in the, um, pelvic region.  He or she didn't have to extend us that courtesy, you know.

Spoiled for Topics

 

Oh, gosh.
This is another of those "where to start" situations.  That is one seriously crazy dress!

How do I mock thee, dress?  Let me count the ways!

1. The openwork skirt.  Look closely; you can see her thighs through the holey fabric.  (I, for one, prefer not to put my underwear on display, but I'm kind of old-fashioned like that...)
2. The big holes in the bodice.  (Why are they there?)
3. The HUGE hole in the back of the dress.  (And the odd strands connecting the top to the skirt.)
4. The ugly yarn.  (Yes, I'm being judgmental of the yarn.  I just don't like it.)
5. The row of fringe (?) about halfway down each sleeve.
6. The spiral fringe at the neckline.  (On top of everything else, it's just too much.)

But hey, apart from that, it's actually not too bad for a knitted/crocheted dress.  I like the length of the sleeves and skirt, the ruffles at the sleeves... the fit... It we could just address the items on my mocking list...

Granny Stitches Ain't for Everything

I like granny squares and "granny stripes" as much as the next person, but let's be honest:  It's not the right stitch pattern for everything.  For example-- this shirt and floppy hat.  They really shouldn't exist, and it's a crying shame that they do.

Three-fer!

Score One:
Little Miss Wear-Something-Underneath on the right...

Scores Two & Three:
Awkward poses for the win!!! 
a.k.a. "Throw yo' hands in the air like ya just don't care!" and the Squat Squad.

Doily Fashion

Ooh, boy, you're in for a treat today!
We have a doily shirt!!!
...With Irish crochet roses!!!
...And someone who was willing to model it with her bra showing underneath, clear as day...

There is also a model in what appears to be a doily-based slip and/or nighty... only she's modeling it in a pair of red high heels and in full jewelry... So maybe we are meant to understand that this is what she's wearing as she prepares to leave the house... But that's impossible, so I refuse to believe it.  No, she's just all dressed up for the boudoir.  Yep.  That must be it. 

Lacy Crochet Jumpsuits

(And there's a ruffly, bell-bottomed two-piece set, as well!  BONUS!)

You can tell these things are fun fun fun by the way the model is holding her twin ponytails out and bending in odd ways.  (See?) 

Meanwhile, I have got to get a pair of those lacy pants with the slits up the fronts of the legs. 

I See London, I See France...

To be filed under "But WHY?":

Since she doesn't seem to be wearing anything under them, I can only conclude that these are themselves her underwear... but why would anyone want crocheted underwear?

Swimsuit Coverup FAIL

Sheesh, lady!

#1:  A swimsuit coverup is generally worn over a swimsuit... including the top half.

#2:  The point of a coverup is to cover something up.

#3:  If you find yourself about to burst the darn thing open, consider going up a size or two. 

Mmkay?

Air-Conditioned Dress

Psst! 
...Um, miss...
We can kind of see your undies through your dress...

...Or maybe you already knew that.

(What a waste of mad crochet skillz!)

Wear Something Underneath: Bridal Edition

I'm torn...
On the one hand, there is some fairly exquisite thread crochet lace in this wedding gown...

...On the other hand...
It's your wedding day; do you really want everyone in the church to see your undies?

Please, ladies.  Leave a little something to the groom's (and everyone else's) imagination!

Brr!

I almost feel sorry for her...

The MC Hammer balloon pants-- the tasseled belt-- the bare, probably chilly, sucked-in-for-the-camera tummy...

...But really, she brought this all upon herself.  Wear something underneath, lady!

Extreme

Warning!  Warning! 

Prude Alert!  Prude Alert!

People with small children, bossy bosses, or weak stomachs-- as well as those with heart conditions and pregnant women (??)-- should exercise caution. 

Today's Yarn Yuck photo may not be appropriate for all audiences. 

(There.  Don't say I didn't warn you.)

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This, friends, is an extreme case of "wear something underneath":

It was obviously taken at a fashion show, and for whatever reason, it seems that almost anything goes on the runway.  (I suppose we should just be thankful for "the Brazilian", if you know what I mean...)

A few further words to the crocheters among us: 
The power of the pineapple is strong-- very strong-- and so it is all the more necessary that we wield that power wisely.  This... was unwise.

Naughty or Nice?

Today's outfit feels like a bizarre mixture of vintage innocence and, well, modern sleaze. 

The lacy fabric-- the collar-- the mesh cap with the flowers on one side-- even the model's pose and hairstyle.  All seem to epitomize that certain dainty femininity of an era long past.  And yet.  You can see the woman's bra. 

It's almost as though they simply forgot a critical part of her wardrobe-- left out the silk camisole that she was supposed to have worn underneath the mesh top. 

"Oopsie!  Why, I'm wearing nothing underneath this see-through top!  Dear me, how embarrassing!"

PLEASE Wear Something Underneath!

Warning: 
Today's photos may not be safe for work, and you probably don't want your little kids to see it, either.  Otherwise, brace yourself and scroll down. . .







Keep going. . .
 





(But keep in mind, it's not too late to turn back.  No-one will think less of you for it.)








Almost there. . .





Aaaaaannnd, here it is:

. . . I mean, seriously.  

I don't care if you modeled for Playboy; there are still some lines you just don't cross.  Those lines were back about a mile before you bought and wore this thing in a public place. 

. . . And if you find that you simply can't live without crochet mesh dresses (with nothing substantial underneath them), please at least avoid wearing them when you're out with your young daughter.  

Horrifying.

Dear Crocheters Around the World:

Please repeat after me:

A doily is not a shirt.

It's just something I thought you might benefit from knowing.

It might help you avoid awkward situations-- you know, like being ogled by random men on the street, hearing people snickering behind your back, being ostracized from society-- that kind of thing.

P.S.  This would make a perfectly acceptable and even quite cute apron.  Just don't wear it as a shirt (especially with hardly anything underneath) and expect to be treated as a normal, competent adult.

Wear Something Underneath!

As promised, here's one of many (many) to come-- a photo in the category of Wear Something Underneath:

As you can see, this one had the decency to wear something under her very open crochet dress, but in this case, Something is precious little.

"Um, excuse me, miss, but your bra strap is showing. . . Er, actually, the entire bra is showing. . . and . . actually, I can see your panties as well."

You'd almost think (especially if you saw only the right half of the photo) that this might be just a fancy lace slip-- you know, the kind women used to wear under dresses.  (Some still do, I'm sure, but I don't think it's as common as it was when I was younger-- oh, twenty years ago or so.)  But judging by the left half-- and the little matching bolero jacket-- I'd say this is meant to be worn "as is".

Shocking.

Does anyone actually wear things like this without something more concrete underneath?  Technically, I guess you don't see more than you do when someone wears a bikini, but it just feels so much more scandalous-- and there are different expectations at a beach than out and about town or in a shop (or wherever else you're supposed to wear this thing).

(Go ahead.  Call me a puritanical American.  I can take it.)

Crochet Club

Welcome to Crochet Club.  The first rule of Crochet Club is: you do not talk about Crochet Club. The second rule of Crochet Club is: you DO NOT talk about Crochet Club!

What?
. . . Why are you looking at me like that?

Also:  This is a little preview of a type of Yarn Yuck post I like to call "Wear Something Underneath".

When I first began this blog, I was stunned by the apparent number of people who seem to think that it's okay to wear holey crochet clothes (tops, mainly) with nothing more than underwear underneath-- and sometimes not even that.  I'm here to tell you, it's not okay.  (Not with me, at any rate.)

The examples above are mild, let me tell you.  Tomorrow you shall be more fully initiated into the horror that is holey crochet fabric with too little underneath.